now set in http://beatdream.wordpress.com/

I have now set this show in Vancouver and made it even more crazy. Pilot is at http://beatdream.wordpress.com/

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The beat dreams on

 

 

the beat dreams on

A comedy about a crazy beat bar and the funny characters it attracts.

 

CHARACTERS

 

DEAN CASSIDY– 27- Beat drummer and now fast ‘Moonlight Cab’ driver. Energetic, fast talking, excitable, gambling, womanizing conman. Is one crazy character that captivates almost everyone he meets especially women which is handy as he is a libido legend. Is kind of like a Kiwi Dean Moriarty from Jack Kerouac’s ‘On the Road’ and just one very very excitable boy!!

 

FRANK CUMMINGS– 35- Beat comic and now barman. Fast, funny and hip and is New Zealand`s top mimic and also holds the dubious distinction of being its most immature 35 year old.

 

PEPPER BURNS– 33- Beat actor and now barmaid. Witty and Sarcastic dark haired Vixen whose favourite song is Hall and Oate’s “Maneater”. Watch out Boy she will Chew you Up!

 

JOHN SLACK– 36- Beat guitarist and now “between jobs”. Found internet chat four months ago and with his bent wit and fast typing skills has turned into like an internet Dean with more crazy women after him that he can shake his mouse at. In the ‘New Zealand Dictionary’ under the definition of slack there is a blurry picture of a half undressed John being rudely awoken on his couch by his hungry cat at noon.

 

SINAMAN FLOWERS– 25- Aspiring actor and waitress at the bar. Sassy wisecracking blonde bombshell whose ‘Facebook’ profile says it all, “Fun sexy crazy girl- enter at own risk!”

 

JACKO– Old American beat jazz pianist who now owns and manages the bar. Is never seen but can be heard playing piano and yelling out crazy jazz talk over the mic. Bought the bar twenty odd years ago after winning Lotto and is such a legend in musician circles not only for his great playing but also as the funniest ever musical raconteur he has turned the place into the best musician bar in the world.

 

BIRD – Jacko’s old skinny black dog that is rarely seen but can be heard sometimes barking melody lines with the music like a crazed sax player, always on the beat or just slightly in front or behind it, he is a jazz dog.

 

BIG AL– John’s unseen cat that got his name because he says his name when he meows. Is a legend for never being able to say no to drugs. Loves music especially Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, and Al Stewart for some reason.

 

SETS

 

‘the beat’– Old beat tucked away bar that decor hasn’t changed much in twenty years since Jacko bought it except there is now a stage with a piano, drums, bass amp, two guitar amps, and around the bar are framed 8 by 12 black and white smiling photos taken by Jacko of some of his favourite entertainers that have spent a night in the bar including Dizzy Gillespie, Sun Ra, Oscar Peterson, Ray Charles, Chet Baker and Gerry Mulligan, Stan Getz, Buddy Rich and Mel Torme, Steve Allen, Jaco Pastorious, Sarah Vaughan, Anita O Day, Ella Fitzgerald, Peggy Lee, Nina Simone, Emily Remler and Eva Cassidy, Etta James and Whitney Houston, Johnny Cash and June Carter, Larry Knechtel and Nicky Hopkins, Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, George Harrison, Joe Strummer, Richard Manuel and Rick Danko, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Les Paul, Frank Zappa, Jerry Garcia, Warren Zevon, Kurt Cobain, Jeff Buckley, George Carlin, Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison, Mitch Hedburg, Spike Milligan, Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut, Ken Kesey, Hunter S. Thompson, Rod Serling, Dylan Taite, David Lange, Billy T. James, Howard Morrison Trio, Ricky May and Tommy Adderley, Prince Tui Teka and Delvanius, Bruno Lawrence and Charlie Tumahai, Kevin Smith, Marc Hunter and Paul Hewson, Mahinarangi Tocker, Pauly Feumana, Ian Morris, Paul Hester, Grant McLennan, Aussie Rugby League star Peter Jackson, Darren Tyquin, and some unknown “others”.

 

JOHN’S LOUNGE– Old flat with beat furniture, old big screen computer and TV, old Martin d18 acoustic guitar, congas, tea chest bass, the TV is always on ‘ALT TV’ music station with sound through the stereo. Sometimes can be a bit messy with 2 or 3 used coffee cups and other “stuff”. On the walls are old beat movie posters of ‘A Hard Day’s Night’, ‘The Blues Brothers’, and one of the Marx Brothers smoking a hookah. (Congas were Dean’s for jamming with John, tea chest bass was Frank’s, guitar was there for musicians to pop in and play it, talk about a beat stage for Kiwi music)

 

*Episode 1- A Racehorse Named Blanche-
Pepper has to play loving daughter at the airport to a fair dinkum Aussie bloke for her dear mother. Sinaman auditions for a sassy Brazilian blonde role in a new CSI show. Dean picks up a female jockey with a hot tip and even hotter whip. Frank loses his phone sex virginity while John’s internet stud career starts the steady road of fast decline. Long shot Blanche DuBois comes in and the boys are temporarily rich.

 

act 1

 

SCENE 1

EXTERIOR NIGHT OUTSIDE ‘the beat’ BAR.

We can hear a piano, bass, and drums thumping out such a jazzed up version of “Angela” the theme song from ‘Taxi’ that it’s barely recognizable. A ‘Moonlight Cab’ screeches to a halt outside and honks horn five times. Out of the bar walks Frank and camera follows him into the cab. On the cab radio is Dave Dobbyn and Herbs singing “Slice of Heaven” with Dean beating out a mad rhythm on the dashboard. Inside cab is smoky and Frank takes a suspicious sniff.

 

DEAN

High oh Frankie! Greetaroonie!

 

FRANK

Cheers Stoned Ranger, hey Pepper needs a ride too,

she’ll be out in a sec.

 

DEAN

Ah yes yes would love to give Pepper a ride, she’s so

hot she would burn, hehe, yes yes, what’s happened

to ahh,, ole what’s his name?

 

FRANK

There is no more ole what’s his name, ole what’s his

name is now called, “Who the Bloody Hell cares!”, haha

 

DEAN

Yes yes great news! Great news! Yass! Yassarooni!

 

FRANK

I knew that goss would excite you, you horny old boy you.

 

DEAN (Breaks into Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy” chorus)

Yes yes Frankie that’s me!,,” Just an Excitable Boy!,,

Whooo Waa Hoo,,, (HONKS HORN TWICE), Excitable Boy!”

,,Yes! Oh man! I’m a prayin that Sweet Sin wants a ride too,

yes yes, ahhh Frankie, I imagine a poor boy could die tragically

hard an still wake up in Heaven with a wicked ear to ear grin

after experiencing the Ultimate Pleasure, of devouring multiple

slices of Sweet Sweet Sinaman n Pepper Piiiie, yum yum,

ahhh yes, would be like partaking in the purest form,

of a totally uncut, medicinal quality only, taste of puuuure

adult rated Heavvvveeeeeeeennnnnn

 

FRANK ( interupts )

Well I hate to break your fantasy God Boy, but Sweet

Sinaman had another “woman’s problem” sickie, that

must be like her third or fourth this month already.

 

DEAN

Damn those ole women problems, they can be such a

pain sometimes, hehe, yes yes,

 

FRANK

Ya they’re unreal.,, Boy, the woman that thought of that

excuse for getting off work was total genius, just tell em

I got “woman’s problem”, and it’s like,( POSH ACCENT)

“Oh, well, take a few days off if you have to, but please,

just spare us Any details”,

 

DEAN

Yes yes that’s right, that’s right, sick women have it way

too bloody easy, heh heh,

 

FRANK

Ya they’ve got it made, that has to be the greatest sickie

excuse of all time. If only some smart guy had thought of

a good man’s problem, we got ripped off badly when it

comes to sick excuses.

 

DEAN

Yes, yes, sicko women, they just don’t know how lucky

they are Frankie, don’t know how lucky they are,

 

FRANK

They’re bloody lucky all right.,, Be great if I could ring Jacko

up and tell him I can’t make it in cause I got “Man’s Problem”,

after he stops laughing he’s going to inform me,( AMERICAN ACCENT)

“Frank o, get your stoned hung over aaass in here boy o,

cause you know, there ain’t a nooo such animal, as a

maaan’s flu, now, can ya dig dat, mista slack o?”, haha

 

DEAN

Yes yes yes! I should be using that women’s problem

excuse myself, for it seems, and I have this from a few

reliable sources, and also, a couple of say SLIGHTLY

unreliable ones, hee hee, that I just can’t seem to get

enough of dem ole women problems, hey hey, hehe, yes, yes,

 

FRANK

Haha ya you’re lucky, you got good woman problems,

I got crappy woman problems, I got none, haha.

 

DEAN

Guess you’ll be sniffing around Pepper now there is

no more ole what’s his name hey?

 

FRANK

Pepper,, na, a relationship and having to work together

would be way too much, that would be like, haha,

marriage, haha,,Yikes!

 

DEAN

Yes yes marriage, the most despicable, detestable, and

Yet, Surprisingly,, the most Curable disease known to man, heh heh,

 

Pepper comes out of bar on phone looking a bit mad as she jumps in cab.

 

PEPPER

All right my limo is here, I have to take off,,, will do,,bye.

 

Cab takes off fast

 

FRANK

Wow late night call, was that, “who the Bloody Hell

cares”?, haha

 

PEPPER

Worse, that was my Dear mother who I hadn’t heard

from in Ages and I just Foolishly agreed to play Loving

Daughter for her and the latest Sucker at the airport,

there goes my happy Bloody Monday.

 

FRANK

So what, you and old mumsie don’t get on that well?

 

PEPPER

My Mother, bless her dear soul, is a Tight Lipped born

again Anglican whose most Expressive means of

communication is a Disdainful Sniff, and Who, in my

Teenage years,(SHUDDERS) resorted to writing her most

Fevered Thoughts on notes which she Slipped into my

Undies drawer, so yes, we get along like cats on an

ice cold tin roof.

 

FRANK

Haha ya sounds, haha

 

DEAN

MmmNice, slipping notes in your undies drawer that

sounds fun, yes, yes, were there ever any sexual type

notes, pray tell? , hey hey,

 

PEPPER

Why yes, as a matter of fact, the last one she ever wrote

was, it said, “Do Not, under Any circumstances, EVER,

have a fling with a Mad taxi driver, he will Drive You,

CRAAAZY!”, and,, she emphasized Craaazy by

misspelling it in Giant red capitals, followed, by five

HUGE Yellow exclamation marks.

 

FRANK

Haha, sounds like she knew you Dean haha.

 

DEAN

Yes, yes, I think I might remember her, tight lipped did

you say?, heh heh,

 

PEPPER

Frank, will you do me a favour?

 

FRANK

Ya sure what?

 

PEPPER

If you ever catch me in a weak moment getting so

Desperately Deranged I Ever get involved with a Taxi

driver, I Pepper Burns, here by do authorize you to

purchase a gun for the express purpose of shooting

me to put me and my Dear loving mother out of all

our eternal Misery and damnation.

 

FRANK

Hey no worries there, I already own a gun.

 

PEPPER

What you have a Gun, really?

 

FRANK

Oh ya, real big one too,, but you better wear a

tshirt cause it’s just a water gun, haha.

 

DEAN (Excited and honks horn twice)

Yes yes wet Tshirt! Ahhh, can I have a shot, would

love to shoot over Pepper, yes yes, I can even use

my own gun, tee hee,

 

PEPPER

Over my dead body! Getting shot over by a Taxi

driver would Drive me Completely CRAAAZY,, closely

followed, by a Plethora of Gigantic exclamation marks.

 

FRANK

Hey you’re very punctuating tonight, you getting

“woman’s problem”?, haha

 

PEPPER

No! I’m blaming my mother, she reminded me of a Bad

Period of my life,, the Teenage years.(shudders)

 

DEAN

Ahh the teenage years, best damn twenty years of my

life, hey,

 

FRANK

Hell, I wish I could still Remember my teenage years, haha

 

PEPPER

Excuse me Dean, you just shot right through my turn off!,, My

mother warned me about you mad driving Taxi Drivers.

 

Cab skids to a stop at lights.

 

DEAN

Ahhh,, yes yes off course, I thought you had moved,

but I remember now, that was someone else, ahem,

yes, yes, that’s right that’s right, Sharon

 

PEPPER

Well That’s a Very feasible excuse. I must apologize

Profusely on my mother’s behalf forever Doubting

your most Noblest of Noble intentions.

 

DEAN

Ahh, yes, well, tell your mother, I do accept her heart

felt apology, With, no Hard Feeling attached, hehe,

 

PEPPER

That’s Very generous of you, I’m sure she will be

EXTREMELY Relieved to hear that.

 

FRANK

Haha ya I bet, haha

 

Frank smiles at Dean getting caught and Pepper gives him a knowing smirk in the mirror. Dean smiles and winks at her through the mirror and Pepper sticks out her tongue at him just as light turns green and cab does a wheel skidding u-turn, cut. Writers note- I thought you are supposed to have sexual tension in a comedy so that first scene had a bit or maybe just a tad more than a bit depending on what bit you look at. (wow deep note)

 

 

 

SCENE 2

INTERIOR JOHN’S FLAT.

Frank is watching computer cams and TV is on ‘ALT TV’ playing “Computer Games” by Misex. John enters and hands Frank a cup of coffee. John has a Homer Simpson “D’oh” cup.

 

FRANK

Cheers poor boy.,, So how are all your hot computer babes?

 

JOHN

Too good, I’ve got women problems big time, I’m

turning into like this internet Dean and I don’t know

how he does it, all this juggling is going to be the death

of me, though, I guess there are lot Worse ways to go.

 

FRANK

Damn, I must be the only one without woman problems

these days, my life Sucks big time haha.

 

JOHN

Yea well get out on the internet, there are plenty of

women with problems on there, I tell you.

 

FRANK

Na, I’m scared I would get addicted and lose my job

and turn into a dirty unemployed disgusting internet

pervert like you, hahaha

 

JOHN

Yea, well,, those are the good points, there’s probably

some bad ones too, I just haven’t found any yet.

 

Phone rings

 

FRANK

Wow late night call.

 

JOHN

Damn,, Hey could you get that, and if it’s an American

woman, just tell her,, ummm,, I had to go to Australia

for an audition, and I’ll be gone about a week.

 

FRANK

Audition? What are you auditioning for, Australia’s

Biggest Loser? Haha

 

JOHN

No way! It’s for a,, a new Rusty Crowe romantic

comedy, I’m up for role of his funny best friend. (Cheesy smile)

 

FRANK

And since When have you become an actor?

 

JOHN

I was in ‘Lord of the Rings’ remember.

 

FRANK

Oh ya I forgot, as the only extra who got left on the

cutting room floor, your acting was waaaay

overlooked in that movie my friend, haha

 

JOHN

Yea well it’s the internet, everyone exaggerates a bit,

that call is from Wet Pussy, a 29 year old air hostess

from New York who just can’t get enough,

 

FRANK

Wet Pussy! wow, what a great name!

 

JOHN

Yea I thought so too, mighty hard to beat Wet

Pussy when it cums to sexy nics, I’ll give her that.

 

FRANK

So she’s an air hostess, for real?

 

JOHN

Yeaaa, she flies all over the place, you should pick the

phone up and try some phone sex, it’s crazy, I’ve even

got some lines made up in case you get stuck for ideas.

 

John rifles over messy desk for piece of paper with his “good” beginners lines on.

 

FRANK

Wow, you got your own lines, I’m impressed.

 

JOHN

Hey, I’m an actor, what more can I say?

 

Frank is just about to pick up phone when it stops ringing.

 

FRANK

Oh damn I waited too long, I’d love to score an air

hostess, they are like my fantasy, the perfect woman,

I bet They never have any problems.

 

JOHN

Don’t worry she’ll ring back soon, she’s relentless.

 

FRANK

And so how come you want to get rid of her anyways?

 

JOHN

I just can’t afford all this phone sex, I’m always having

to fake it now, luckily,, I’m a Very good actor.

 

FRANK

So why can’t you afford it? Does she ring collect or something?

 

JOHN

No way! I’m not that stupid, or rich, it’s just I have to save

myself for the cam girls now, I can’t afford to waste my

love potion on the phone, I’m not as young as I once was

you know and it’s real hard to fake on cam, I’ll give you the tip,

 

FRANK ( interupts )

Hey hey Slow Down stud boy, that’s WAY more than I wanted

to know, you’re going to give me nightmares now!

 

John laughs. Phone rings again.

 

JOHN (Points at phone)

See! Relentless! (laughs)

 

John gives Frank his paper of “good” lines.

 

FRANK (reading lines)

Wow, these look good lines, did you write these?

 

JOHN

I wish, I stole them from the internet,, think Al Gore

must have wrote them.

 

FRANK (reading lines)

Wow,, no wonder he got an Oscar, these are some Hot

lines,, Wow! haha,

 

JOHN

Yea 8 and 9 are the best, see I marked them with red

Asterix, I usually save them for an encore, they are

every girl’s Wildest wet dream,, guaranteed.

 

FRANK

Haha ya good lines, wow, haha, Those are UNreal!,,

Damn,, haha,, ( PICKS UP PHONE, AUSSIE ACCENT )

Gidday, Kiwi Actors Studio, Rusty speaking,,

 

Rusty Crowe was a Kiwi who now acts like an Aussie but if he wins an Oscar again he quickly reverts back to being Kiwi until he stars in his next romantic comedy or makes another rusty rock album (God forbid) or starts throwing phones again.

 

 

 

SCENE 3-

INTERIOR OFFICE .

Sinaman sits down opposite 35 year old B minus grade agent Willy B. Mann. There is a poster of Kevin Sorbo as ‘Hercules’ on wall. On office stereo is The Verlaines singing “Death of a Maiden”.

 

WILLY

Well Sinaman, sorry about sending you on that tampon ad,

when they said you needed to ride, silly me was thinking bike,

rather than horse.

 

SINAMAN

Ya tampon ads are a stupid Bloody joke. I’ve only ever

ridden two horses in my whole life, one was a big grey

stallion on a broken down merry go round and the other

was this huge black bass player from Canada, who went

by the name of Mister Ed, and, on Both occasions, it

wasn’t even THAT time of month.

 

WILLY

Ohhh Mister Ed sounds fun, was he hung like a horse too?

 

SINAMAN

Sadly yes, like a drunken seahorse, he just had a thing for

saddles, his motto was “have saddle, will travel”, so I grabbed

my whip and took a ride to the kitchen and back, I was hungry.

 

WILLY

Ohhhh kinky, he sure sounds fun to HORSE around with,(GRINS)

well, anyways, good news, I have got a part here that is

just perfect for you, they are doing a new local CSI

series and there is a role for a 25 year old sassy blonde

with problems, who gets murdered on a cricket pitch,

 

SINAMAN

K that’s me! I’m sassy, I’m blonde, I don’t have any

problems but close enough! That role was almost

made for me, quick Willy, get us an audition!

 

WILLY

Already done, AND, I dated the casting director, just

before we both switched sides funnily enough,(SMILES),

soooo, I think the part could be yours as Stella owes me,

AND, it will be a fantastic start to your reel,, “Sinaman

Flowers STARRED, as the maiden, in ‘Maiden Bowled Over’,

on New Zealand’s TOP rated CSI show”,, Hellooo Wellywoood.

 

SINAMAN

Gee I’m the star! K how many pages of lines have I got?

 

WILLY

Well actually no pages, it’s a non-speaking role, BUT,, as

non-speaking roles gooo,, this, Has to be the Rooolls Royce,

 

SINAMAN

K don’t tell me,, I play a vamped up, tarty Helen Keller type?

 

WILLY

Noooo, but close, you are found in the opening scene by a

schoolboy cricket team in the middle of a cricket pitch,

dead with no visible signs of injury, other, than a

cricket ball shoved in your mouth, and then later, on

the autopsy table

 

SINAMAN ( interupts )

Like what I just play dead and that’s it? Not even a stupid

bloody death scene?

 

WILLY

Sadly no bloody death scene, BUT, you are bound to

attract plenty of attention, as not only are you in the

two scenes, but the detectives then show your glossy

6 by 4 bikini shot to a few sleazy bar patrons in a few

more scenes, so as non-speaking roles go, this one is

SURE to be a Real crowd pleaser.

 

SINAMAN

Ya, well I can’t see why a crowd will be pleased at

seeing me dead.

 

WILLY

Yes well here’s the kicker, when the schoolboys find you,

you are completely naked other than a pair of strategic

cricket pads and a g-string, sooo, if maybe by next week

you can lose a few pounds and get a Brazilian, that Part

has your name Written all over it.

 

SINAMAN

Brazilian! Why do I need a Brazilian to play a dead

blonde? They don’t bend my g-string on TV do they?

 

WILLY

No no of course not, it’s just they said the autopsy is quite

authentic and TVNZ have a Very strict policy about showing

pubes, so a Brazilian is required.

 

SINAMAN

But my mum warned me never get a Brazilian or I’ll

never want a kid, and Personally, I don’t mind a bit of

pain here and there, just providing, it’s not mine.

 

WILLY

No no that’s an old wives tale, these days they have

Much cooler wax and you will hardly notice it at all, I

promise, I even had one done last week, you want to see?

 

SINAMAN

Hell no Willy!

 

WILLY

Don’t worry, It’s not my front, I’m not THAT brave,(GRINS)

it’s the back, my last lover used to call me monkey Mann

behind my back so I’ve had that problem fixed, now, I’m

smooother than a monkey’s baaaby back there, see.

 

Willy gets up and turns around and pulls pants down and shirt up just a little. Sinaman screams and then acts blind.

 

SINAMAN

Oh God the glare, the glare,, Oh my Gawd!,, Help!,, Help me

I’m blind,, I can’t see,, Help!,,

 

WILLY (Over shoulder)

Ohh, are we turning into a comedienne now?

 

SINAMAN (Talks louder as she’s now acting deaf too)

Hellooo!,, Has anybody seen my blind dog?,, Blind Melon Lemon! Can you hear me boy?,,

 

WILLY

Here I am, bow wow wow!

 

Cut as sneaky Willy starts dropping his trousers to moon and hear a beat of a real Sinaman scream.

 

 

SCENE 4-

INTERIOR OF ‘the beat’.

After-hours at the bar with Pepper and Frank behind bar and John, Sinaman, and Dean at bar, everybody has beers except Dean who has coffee and is watching music. Hear a piano, drums, and bass playing such a bopped up version of the theme song from ‘Cheers’ it is just recognizable. After hours bar talk has rapid fire dialogue.

 

JOHN

Hey did Frank tell you the good news?

 

PEPPER

No, what good news?

 

JOHN

Frank is no longer a phone sex virgin, he scored one

of my cast offs, a 29 year old air hostess from New York

called Wet Pussy who just can’t get enough, and, he

did pretty damn good for a virgin.

 

PEPPER

And what were you listening? Or did you play Wet Pussy?

 

JOHN

No way! I was coaching him, I gave him all my good

lines, I scored him seven point one four out of ten,

I had to deduct points for laughing while he came and

forgetting about the encore lines.

 

FRANK

Oh ya I’m still kicking myself for forgetting those encore

lines, they were the best lines by far, they were UNreal!

 

PEPPER

Well give them to us now Frank, we girls just Love hearing

UNreal Phony encores.

 

JOHN

No way! Those are secret man lines reserved for internet

studs like me and Frank only.

 

FRANK

Ya I like the feeling of internet stud, I might even have

to score a computer now, haha

 

SINAMAN

Gee I can’t believe there’s still such a thing as a thirty

five year old phone sex virgin, I must live in such a cruel

sheltered world.

 

JOHN

Yea they should be making a movie about Frank.

 

FRANK

Well if they do, I’m sure not going to have you

playing my funny best friend. (Cheesy smile at John)

 

DEAN

Yes yes I remember my first phone sex, It was my

fifteenth birthday and she was quite a bit older, heh heh,

yes, yes, she was my high school biology teacher and

man o man, did Ms West did teach me sooo much, hee hee,

 

FRANK

Wow unreal! Phone sex at fifteen with your biology

teacher, they should be making the movie about you,

you are living my dreams!

 

SINAMAN

Gee teachers must have a thing about breaking in

virgin phone sexers, my first was my drama teacher,

she almost turned me half lesbian.

 

FRANK

Wow I take that back, YOU are living my dreams! Haha.

 

JOHN

Yea mine too, so what did this teacher look like?

 

SINAMAN

K a bit like,, a pregnant Madonna, only,, way way

sexier, and black.

 

JOHN and DEAN

MmmNice.

 

John and Dean smirk at each other for stealing their line.

 

FRANK

And what about you Pepper, are you a phone sex

virgin? Cause if you are, my mate John here has

some great lines ready to break you in, haha.

 

PEPPER

Well as Tempting as that offer is, I’m ashamed to

Admit I lost my phone virginity about ten years ago

and enjoyed it so much, I proceeded to have it about

five thousand times over the next few years, although,

I must admit, I DID have to fake quite a lot.

 

FRANK

Wow! What an addict! You’re worse than John, haha.

 

PEPPER

Yes, I Quickly became addicted to listening to anonymous

suckers pleasure themselves while I whispered Sweet

Nothings into their ear piece for a mere ninety nine cents

per minute, I miss those days as a smooth operator, it was

Pretty well paid and in a strange way, almost Romantic.

 

SINAMAN

Gee getting paid for phone sex sounds my kind of job,

I’m great at sexy acting, just ask my drama teachers and

last two boyfriends,, oh yes Yes YEEES,, oh, My, GAAAWD,,

 

JOHN

Not bad, I give it a seven point, O sixty nine,

 

DEAN

Bingorooni!

 

SINAMAN

Oy! That was just my beginning Mister Generosity,

you have to Pay to hear the ending and believe me,

I am WELL worth your money.

 

JOHN

Sounds good, you take cheques?

 

SINAMAN

From a poor old unemployed musician? Dream on Mister.

 

JOHN

Hey what’s with this old bit, I still play a young stud on

PervTalk I’ll have you know.

 

SINAMAN

Ya, in the blue hair rooms.

 

Sinaman was the one that told John about ‘PervTalk’ and is still cursing the day she did.

 

JOHN

Yea, well, some blue hair women can be pretty hot you know, just ask Homer J. Simpson.

 

FRANK

So let’s hear some of your sordid blue internet Love stories then, Homer John.

 

JOHN

D’oh!

 

PEPPER

Yes you would have loved that job, most of the

operators were all out of work actors and we had

such good times, until that CREEP Al Gore had to ruin

it all by inventing the internet so all the Disgusting

Horn DOGS, started to get free phone sex from cheap,

On Line, shameless BITCH hussies,, isn’t that right,

Frankie and Johnny?

 

JOHN

Ruff Ruff!!

 

BIRD (voice only )

Ruff Ruff Ruff!!!

 

FRANK

Watch out, I think Bird’s in love haha

 

JOHN (Looks just below camera)

Down boy down. I’m not THAT kind of dog.

 

FRANK (Elvis like)

Ya Bird,, John ain’t nothing but a HORN dog,,

 

DEAN (At Bird, Elvis like)

Wankin all the time!

 

BIRD (Voice only, laughing bark)

Ruff ruff Ruff ruff ruff.

 

In background song has ended and hear small audience applause and the band laughing as that was the craziest ever version of the ‘Cheers’ song. Jacko was such a huge fan of ‘Cheers’ he bought his very own beat bar, his favourite character was Coach. Jacko starts jazzing around with the opening melody of “Classical Gas” on piano as he talks to Pepper. (The writer of “Classical Gas” Mason Williams won three Grammys for that song and an Emmy the very same year for comedy writing for ‘The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour’. Now that’s a record that won’t be broke!)

 

JACKO ( voice only )

Yo Pepper!

 

PEPPER

Yo Jacko!

 

JACKO ( v.o.)

Ya know now you is on da prowl again gal o, da boys

here in d rhythm section would like it be known, that

even though us ole cats mightn’t Quite cut da Mustard

like we once could as pups, we now SUUURE do know

how to lick dat jar clean gal, Oh yaaaa, goda diiiiiig dat

sweeeet mustard, mmmmm ain’t dat right, mista Bruno

and Charlie o?

 

BRUNO (voice only drummer and two bass drum beats)

YUM YUM!!

 

CHARLIE (deep voice only bass player with two bass beats)

We dig!

 

BRUNO ( v.o. with bass drum beat )

MUST!

 

CHARLIE ( v.o. with bass beat )

Turd!

 

PEPPER

Well I’m sorry boys,, but Musturd,, gives me Gas.

 

Beat and then hear the band laugh and a bass and drum “boom boom”.

 

JACKO ( v.o )

Pepper you is classic gal, you is da gas!, Hah Hah Hah!

 

Hear Jacko play a few bars of “Classical Gas” and then drum and bass join in and it quickly swings into a crazed version of Paul Desmond’s “Take 5”. Bruno and Charlie are New Zealand’s tightest rhythm section as they have been playing together forever and are also well known for their zany sense of humour as at a drop of a note they can suddenly burst into like this hip Abbott and Costello musical comedy team playfully bickering under the beat over who’s the straight guy. The characters all look at stage entranced by the music and phone rings. Pepper picks it up.

 

FRANK

Wow late night call!

 

PEPPER

Good morning,,, yes just a minute I’ll get him,, Frank,

it’s for you, a Very Sexy sounding woman.

 

JOHN

Wooooo.

 

FRANK

Sexy sounding woman, uh oh, I hope it ain’t mumsie,,.

Hi,, Wet Pussy! How did you get,, sorry, FRAN,, well

speak of the devil, bad Bart just walked in,, hang on a sec,,

 

Frank cups phone and looks over at John who is snickering, then goes over to hand him phone.

 

FRANK

It’s for you Homer, I think it’s Marge.

 

JOHN

No way I’m not here, that’s your woman problemo,

Wet likes Rusty!

 

John exits snickering doing the Groucho Walk. Frank places phone on bar for John’s return.

 

PEPPER

Quick Frank now’s your chance, give her John’s Infamous

UNreal encore lines.

 

SINAMAN

Ya and say them like you really mean them, Wet Pussy wants feeling.

 

FRANK

Hey here’s an even better idea,, how about You try to

turn Wet Pussy into Half a lesbian. (Smiles at Sinaman)

 

PEPPER

Now THERE’S a Cunning idea.(Smiles at Sinaman)

 

We hear a Paul Desmond like sax start up which captures all the characters attention even bringing John rushing back as Dean jumps up and down and shakes his head in pure excitement.

 

DEAN

Yes, Yes, Paularooni!,, Blow it man, BLOW!

 

Hear another five seconds of music with all the characters watching enthralled and then hear Wet Pussy yelling over the phone.

 

WET PUSSY (Fran Drescher like voice only)

HELLOOO,, is anybody there?,,,,,,, HELL

 

We hear Bird join Paul and bark a few bars just a fraction of a beat behind his melody line as this is one of Bird’s favourite songs and he knows it like the back of his front paw.

 

DEAN

Go Birdie GO!,, Yass Yass YASS!

 

Cut as John slyly hangs up phone. Bird then went on to trade 16 choruses with Paul never missing a beat before Paul threw his hands in the air and ran to the bar for a double scotch while Bird barked out one more definitive chorus before graciously handed the lead over to Jacko then bowing to a standing ovation and a Whiskey Milk Punch from Paul. (Writers note) If you want to read the funniest story of a bad gig ever, Google, ‘Paul Desmond, How many are in the quartet’, as not only was Paul a great sax player and wit but he was also one damn funny comedy writer. Next week a comic who sounded suspiciously a lot like Bill Hicks was in and did this killer set about drugs and music that literally had the whole bar shaking at the rafters with laughter.

 

 

 

SCENE 5

EXT- DAY STREET

Pepper and Sinaman are walking down street mall carrying shopping when Sinaman spots a wooden sidewalk sign for ‘Stella’s Beauty Therapy’ “Opening Special!!! HALF PRICE BRAZILIANS, only 22 BUCKS!!!!!”. On street ahead a few shops up is ‘A Shoe Shop Named Desire’ with stereo speakers outside blasting out “There is no Depression in New Zealand” by Blam Blam Blam.

 

SINAMAN

Gee look, half price Brazilians, k I might be brave and

book in tomorrow, I’ve heard they are ultra-cool.

 

PEPPER

A Brazilian ultra-Cool? Are you Crazy?

 

SINAMAN

Ya, but I’m still not registered.

 

PEPPER

I had a Brazilian on a dare about ten years ago and it

almost Killed me, then, after being Snidely informed by

the Butch Waxer, “That was Nothing compared to giving

birth my dear”, I vowed right there I will Never have a

kid unless my future Rich Husband wants to buy an

adopted one, and even then, I will Insist he keeps it if

we divorce but still have to pay me a very Generous

monthly support bill, for my Emotional distress and

Brazilian Pool boy.

 

SINAMAN

Gee sure wish I had a Brazilian pool boy, I’m too lazy

to even blow mine up.

 

PEPPER

So have you ever had a Brazilian?

 

SINAMAN

Yup just one, he was a soccer playing flamingo guitarist

from Rio De Janeiro with a one word name, and boy, did

we have a ball, but nope, I’m a Brazilian wax virgin but I

have to get one to play that stupid dead blonde.

 

PEPPER

You need a Brazilian to play a stupid blonde? What, are

you going to be Completely Naked or something?

 

SINAMAN

Not quite, I’ll be wearing strategic cricket pads and panties

but TVNZ has this stupid policy about showing no pubes, the

pain a girl must do to get on TV these days.

 

PEPPER

You’re an actor, just have a Shave and act Brazilian.

 

SINAMAN

K guess I should do that, would save a lot of pain and

could even want a rug rat one day, double win chance,,

truth is,, the thought of pain scares me that much I nearly

fainted when my painted on tatt washed away, I

splashed out a whole wet week of winter tips on that

Stupid smiley Starfish!

 

PEPPER

Ouch, that had to hurt.,, Oh Look! Shoes! Half price!

 

SINAMAN

Oh My Gawd! Hold on shoes,, I’m a cumin!

 

They both quickly search through purse and take out their shiny brand new ‘No Name’ credit card and smile at it for a beat. They then touch cards together like they are going into battle and then lovingly kiss them goodbye.

 

PEPPER

Charge!

 

They charge the shoe shop and momentarily get stuck in the door together. Enter scene walking down the street is Frank and John licking ice cream cones when John spots the sign. They then continue walking past the shoe shop.

 

JOHN

Hey look opening special, Brazilians half price only

twenty two bucks, you should go in for a cheap sexual thrill.

 

FRANK

Haha ya right,, I bet Stella is probably like some big

sadistic lesbian, that would be like their perfect job,

can ya imagine the fights to get that job eh?, haha

 

JOHN (Licks ice cream between lines as face gets messier and messier)

Yea yea you’re right, that IS the Perfect job.,, Even I’D

be happy to get Up in the morning for THAT,, where can I

apply I want it,, Hell,, I’m even willing to work for next

to nothing,, maybe,, even pay Stella a little,,

 

FRANK

Haha ya what a job, I bet it would be hard for a guy to

get in that line of work though, I would hate to see the

waiting lists, haha.

 

JOHN

Maybe if I act gay I could get in.

 

FRANK

Oh ya right,, but then how long could you stay in character for?

 

Couple of beats as John licks ice cream suggestively and thinks. Around mouth is now covered with ice cream.

 

JOHN

Good point.,,, Darling.

 

note- Christchurch readers, if any, might recognize Stella’s as its on Cashel Street Mall and a few doors down from a shoe shop but naturally I couldn’t set the show in Christchurch so it was set nowhere but I guess Wellington would have been good too if it wasn’t for all those windy hot aired politicians and their blowhard Hurricanes. (Late update- Both these shops were destroyed in the earthquake and the mall is now mostly made up of shipping containers doubling as shops)

 

 

SCENE 6-

INTERIOR NIGHT INSIDE DEAN’S CAB

Cab has stopped at a red light and seated in the back seat is 22 year old jockey Stella Cropp. On radio is The Flight of The Conchords singing “Business Time”.

 

DEAN

So you a bit of a jockey hey?

 

STELLA

Yes how could you tell, was it my demure stature, or

the saddle and whips?

 

DEAN

All three, hee hee,, Hay!, I got it!,, Stella Cropp, third

leading apprentice, you ride one of my ole faves

‘Blanche DuBois’, right?

 

STELLA

Yes that’s right, you sure know your horses don’t you?

 

DEAN

Yes, yes, I love the ponies and off course, I’m also a

HUGE fan of sexy female jockeys, personally speaking,

ahem, there’s nothing more stimulating than watching

a sexy jockey mount her horse, then yell, Giddy Up BOY!, hehe,

 

STELLA

Well it’s funny you mentioned Blanche DuBois, because

I’m riding her next Sunday and if it’s a dry track she

could be a good chance at good odds.

 

DEAN

Yes yes but I thought Blanche likes it wet, she won in the

mud about a year ago and paid forty two bucks and

Man o Man, was that one CRAAAZY night!,(Shakes head)

 

STELLA

Yes well she’s an eight year old now and for some

reason she doesn’t like it wet anymore, I think it must be

a hormone thing as she’s now in foal to ‘Desert Prince’

and this might even be her last race.

 

DEAN

Yes yes right right I will be praying for no rain as I would

love to see Blanche go out on a high note, yes I can feel

a big win coming on, oh yes yes she is going to win and

you will hear me yell, Hey STEEEELLLLAAAAA!

 

STELLA

Holy cow! You sure yell that good! I’m just reading a Marlon

Brando biography that my mum gave me, he was a wild one.

 

DEAN

Really! Oh man, he is my fave actor of all time, I would

love to see that book, maybe even borrow it after you

have finished, then perhaps, we can form a book club

and discuss it, all the while off course, toasting Blanche

DuBois sterling last race victory at nearly 42 to one, yes

yes Blanche, go girl GO!

 

STELLA

Well if you want a look I guess you can come in for a

coffee and fondle the cover, if you wanted to that is?

 

DEAN

Do I want to! Hell! How could a mere mortal man resist

having coffee and a bookie fondle with the sexiest jockey

in the whole country, maybe even southern hemisphere,

and I bet, odds on for northern too, oh Lord, pinch me

if I’m a dreamin.

 

Stella pinches him hard and shows him the whip.

 

STELLA

Now you better be a good boy as I don’t want to have

use this whip now, do I?

 

DEAN

Only if you want a ride, hay hay hay,

 

Stella smacks him hard on shoulder with the whip.

 

STELLA

Giddy up BOY!,, It’s business time.

 

Light turns green and Dean shakes head and whinnies then floors it with a smile on his and Stella’s face.

 

 

 

Pilot- A Racehorse Named Blanche
Pepper has to play loving daughter at the airport to a fair dinkum Aussie bloke for her dear mother. Sinaman auditions for a Brazilian blonde role in a new CSI show. Dean picks up a female jockey with a hot tip and even hotter whip. Frank loses his phone sex virginity while John’s internet stud career starts the steady road of fast decline. Long shot Blanche DuBois comes in and the boys are temporarily rich.

EPISODE 2 -With their winnings Frank and Dean buy a share off trainer Slim Chance in a unraced 5 year old ‘Musical Phantasy’ gelding called ‘Beat Dreams’ which is bred to stay all day. Sinaman films her head shaking CSI scene. Pepper joins an internet dating site and is swamped with offers. John buys a cheap answerphone off Trade Me to help keep his internet stud career alive. (Slim Chance was a Kiwi William S. Burroughs type trainer, his training license has now been revoked)

EPISODE 3- Frank is surprised to find they are selling preloved underpants in a second hand clothing store. Sinaman’s head shaking CSI scene is cut to give Candy a screaming dying scene. Pepper scores a date with a former All Black hooker. (Turned out he only played one test against Canada) John gets some sexy underpants from a secret internet admirer who he narrows it down to being Wet Pussy or Sinaman. (They turn out to be a pair of Dean’s dirty cast offs, small world eh.) Pepper and Sinaman receive their first ‘No Name’ credit card bill and start calling their cards all sorts of names.

EPISODE 4 –John is hassled by the dole office about seeking meaningful employment. Sinaman and Rose audition for a new TVNZ Mike King sitcom. Pepper dates a comedian who doesn’t turn out to be very funny. John is forced into training to become a ‘City Ambassador’. Frank buys a pair of preloved ‘Calvin Klein’ jeans that are a size to small but immediately enhances his prospects with the ladies twofold. Dean gets John to make up a profile for him on ‘NZ Dating’ site and he is immediately swamped with offers much to John’s chagrin.

EPISODE 5 –Sinaman and Rose get hissy when they lose out on a part in the TVNZ sitcom to Candy. Dean’s new betting system dismissed by Frank and John as crazy makes them temporarily eat their words. Pepper gives up internet dating and joins Facebook. Dean’s internet dating career gets off to a flying start with a funny Canadian air hostess. John loses his ‘City Ambassador’ job. (It was a random drug test after an obnoxious American tourist complained he seemed a bit hazy about the city attractions. Who was to know Christchurch was famous for its boy racers, gardens AND churches.)

EPISODE 6- ON THE ROAD –All the characters pile into Dean’s cab for a road trip to watch Beat Dreams have his first start at a small country track like Reefton. (Through a series of mishaps they arrived at the betting window just a minute before the race only to find out Beat Dreams was a late scratching, talk about anti climatic.)

SERIES 2 (What the hell was I ever thinking?)

The whole pilot and 12 episode synopsis is available at https://beatdreams.wordpress.com/

 

 

Living the Canadian dream eh

The last Christchurch earthquake shocked me so much I am now back in Vancouver living the Canadian dream eh.

Christchurch rocks!

I was rudely awoken early September 4, 2010 by my bed shaking like one mother of a rocket ship about to blast off. When I realised it wasn’t a fantastic wet dream I quickly lit a smoke and glowed in the aftershock waiting for take off. Thank God it stalled!

Next day I went out and saw a few bricks had landed on my flat bedroom roof and looking up a story above was this huge brick chimney vicariously leaning over which if it had fallen would have landed right over my bed and I would have gained notoriety as being the only casualty in the earthquake which I thought would have at least given my friends a good laugh at the irony of my death by chimney. I might have even got a piece on ‘Cambell Live’ about the unluckiest smoker in the world and one of my Facebook friends could have made a killing by selling my authorised smoking t shirts. On a more sombre note, I now know why they say smoking in bed is dangerous.

Being a professional  thrill seeker I shunned advice and shockingly slept in my bedroom the next few nights and today they came and took the chimney away so sadly there went my dream for tv star dumb and t shirt sales up in smoke. (sorry Facebook friend ) In reality I must be one of the luckiest people in Christchurch as I had no real damage or hardship at all other than losing a few more brain cells and gaining a grey hair. When I go outside though it’s like walking around as an extra in a bad Fellini movie. ( house next door and across the road are both condemned)

4 tips for preparing for earthquake ( which I didn’t do )

1- have a couple of litres of water stored.

2- have a radio that works on batteries and have the batteries that make it sing.

3- have a full lighter which is good for seeing in the dark and lighting smokes.

4- always wear a clean pair of underpants just in case you have to kiss your ass goodbye!

Kiwi Python comedy sketch

This is a Monty Python inspired character sketch in which a man applies for a job he is totally unqualified for. It plays fast like a dream just in case there are any crazed animators out there who think it could work for that Mashpit comedy thing.

one very wooden double walker triple sir running gag

Shot of ‘Willy Winslow’ a cocky dole employment officer walking into office reading ‘Best Bets’ and carrying a large cup of ‘Tarbucks’ coffee . Clock says 9.11. He sculls coffee, shakes body, and grabs a paper from the huge intray and goes to the door and calls out.

WILLY

Frank O’ Sullivan!

In walks big man.

FRANK

At your service, Sir! ( does military salute )

WILLY

Of Whitehorse Drive?

FRANK

Yes that is my current place of abode, the dwelling I

lovingly refer to close friends as my latest in a long

list of thrifty rental agreements.

WILLY

Well have a seat soldier, I didn’t QUITE expect you to

be so big.

FRANK

And why is that squire?

WILLY

Because it says on your employment section, you

want to be,, a jockey?

FRANK

Yes that is right, a flourisher of whips and the punters

best and worst friend.

WILLY

But don’t you think you’re a bit big to be a jockey?

FRANK

Well, I am preparing to diet.

WILLY

Ya but don’t you know the average jockey only weighs

like fifity kilos soaking wet?

FRANK

Fifty kilos? Well, in that case, I Suppose, I could get

some of my legs chopped off .

WILLY

Ahh yes, but then, how would you get on the horse?

FRANK

Through a Very, AND, I do Stress the word VERY,,

elaborate system of ramps.

WILLY

So,, have you had much experience with horses?

FRANK

Oh yes off coarse, at last year’s Easter Show I rode

three HUGE Bucking stallions, AND, I did Not fall off once.

WILLY

Well you’re lucky there, falling off a High horse can be

an EXTREME Pain believe me,, I broke my Stupid little

toe getting Bucked off a Stoned Shetland Pony.

FRANK

Ouch! Yes I was very fortunate indeed as it was a REAL

fast merry go round and I would have been stampeded

on AND possibly, Trampled to one Horrible Demise if I

Had the misfortune to fall.

WILLY

So,, other than that Thrill Seeking Ride have you actually

ever ridden a REAL horse?

FRANK

Real? Yes off coarse, you know those horse drawn

tourist coaches that wander aimlessly around town?

WILLY

Ya what, you’ve driven one of them have you?

FRANK

No, but I rode on one and it looks dead easy, all you

need to know is how to yell Giddy UP, and WHOA,

together, with the occasional flourish of the whip, and

mum is your uncle.

WILLY ( picks up phone )

Ya know, I really admire your enthusiasm for meaningful

employment, It so happens I know the acting clerk at the

racecourse who owes me, I’ll give him a call for you.

FRANK

Well, Giddy UP! ( pretends he is whipping )

Shot of behind a man holding a mobile phone on racecourse calling the clerk of the coarse on a white horse over.

MAN

Oi Roger!,, There’s a call for you Sir.

Horse and clerk jog over and man puts phone to the horse’s mouth. Clerk looks like Rodney Hide.

Mister Ed ( lips barely move )

Helllllooooo,, I’m Sir Roger,,, Hay Willy, after another

hot whisper are you?,,

RODNEY

Hurry up Sir Roger, it’s almost lunch time.

SIR ROGER

Hay get off my back Rodney! This is my first speaking

role in twenty years!

RODNEY

Yes well if you don’t start moving your lips more it might

be your last .

ROGER ( lips move )

Hay I was just practicing my ventriloquism, you know

it’s a hard Act to get right when all you have is one

Stupid Dummy to work with.

RODNEY ( lips don’t move but Roger’s do a little)

Yes you are right as usual Sir Roger, I apologize

profusely for being such a stupid ass.

ROGER

Apology accepted Rodney.

RODNEY

Sir Roger quit putting words into my mouth! Who the

heck do you think you are?

ROGER

I’m just a Sneaky Ventriloquist and one HELL of a Political Satirhorse. ( grins )

Rodney looks perplexed and we hear donkey “Hee Haws” coming from his mouth. Man’s face turns around and looks like a goofy grinning John Key. Shot goes to office where Willy is hanging up the phone.

WILLY

Well good news Frank, I’ve just secured you some

VERY meaningful employment.

FRANK

Great! As a jockey?

WILLY

Ah,, ya off coarse, you’ll have to start from the Bottom

though.

FRANK

Well Giddy UP!,, Whoa,, WHOA! ( pretends he is whipping his ass)

Shot goes to racecourse with Rodney riding Roger.

RODNEY

Hey Frank! There’s some more Greenhouse Business over

here for you.

Frank enters scene carrying bucket and shovel.

FRANK

Oh Man, this Carbon Credit job stinks a Big time.

ROGER

Hay it’s a crap job but somebody has to do it. ( grins )

FRANK ( sees big pile )

HOLY COW! What a pile, is that your Business Roger?

ROGER

Hell No! I’m not THAT full of it.

RODNEY ( lips dont move)

It’s mine, I blame my sexy squash playing girl Friend’s

rich diet, she has VERY expensive tastes, mmmmm

FRANK

Ohh, she must be a bit of a goer then eh Rodney, wink wink

nudge nudge?

RODNEY

Excuse me, that’s not any of My Business! Sir Roger is

putting dirty lies in my mouth again!

ROGER

Hay don’t blame me when you make a Jack Ass of yourself

Rodney, you plonker!

RODNEY ( lips don’t move )

You’re right Del Boy, I am a stupid donkey sometimes,

Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee

Rodney looks mad and smacks Roger hard with whip. Roger bucks sending Rodney flying and landing in the crap.

ROGER

Hay Rodney, looks like you are REALLY lying in your own Bull Shit now. ( grins )

Hear a few cow “Moo’s” coming out of angry Rodney’s mouth. Shot goes to ‘Sidetrack’  tv studio with host Simon George.

SIMON

Welcome back to ‘Sidetrack’ as there’s still a bit of a

delay at the last race in Woodville where they are having

trouble loading the first starter ‘Rocking Richard’ in the

stalls. He’s actually quite an interesting runner here being

an eight year old Australian bred gelding by ‘The Carpenter’

out of the former top mare ‘Toy Show’. He’s trained on the

track by Chris Wood and will be ridden by a new apprentice

jockey Frank O’ Sullivan, who claims, he’s just a tad over

fifty kilos half wet, AND,, I’ve heard, there’s been a bit of a

quiet whisper for Richard on coarse at bolter odds. Well it

sounds like they have finally got him in so lets go to

Lee Tony for his call.

Shot of starting gate and the start of a horse race.

LEE ( voice only )

Thanks Simon, and yes they finally got Rocking Richard

in with the help of a blindfold and a stirring Haka from the

starting attendants scrum, and now apprentice jockey

Frank O’ Sullivan gingerly climbs a board again and they

are all set,, green light is on, And,, They are Racing in the

Woodville Highweight Hurdle,, and it’s an even start here,,

Except, for Rocking Richard, who stumbled out of the gate

ten lengths last and immediately broke into a mad bucking

rodeo act with jockey Frank O’ Sullivan valiantly trying to

stay aboard.

Shot of Frank wearing a very small jockey uniform riding a white rocking horse in front of the gates and whipping it so hard they fall over.

FRANK

Giddy up!,, Giddy UP!  ( they fall )

LEE ( p.a. voice only )

Oh no and sadly it looks like Rocking Richard has

broken down, urgent call for the vets around at the

starting barrier.

Shot of two vets in white coats running to the barrier carrying a screen and stretcher. They quickly exam Richard shaking their heads. They put screen around him and pull out their guns. They shoot Frank and put Richard on the stretcher and run off down the track passing characters as they go.

WILLY ( ripping up tickets angrily)

Damn, that’s the last time I ever Listen to a whisper

Straight from the Horse’s Mouth!

RICHARD ( lips move )

Hay, can I just say,, As a highly trained method actor, I

Must object Strongly to being Given all these Wooden Roles!

Rodney riding Roger enter scene.

RODNEY

No you can’t say that Richard! That was Sir Roger’s

line you dick head!

SIR ROGER

Say goodbye to Wellywood Dick, I Guarantee you will

never ACT in this town again!

Sir Peter Jackson look alike enters scene.

SIR PETER

Actually that’s not true, I just cast Richard to play Snowy

in the new Tintin movie.

Tintin and Snowy enter scene.

TINTIN

Oh no Snowy, I’m afraid our movie is going to turn into

a French farce, Richard looks nothing like you at all.

SNOWY ( French accent )

Oui oui Tintin, we can only hope Richard is Very good

at Acting like a Dog.

RICHARD

Hay! They don’t call me old Mad Dog for nothing ya

know! ( starts barking like a dog on heat )

Jockey Michael Walker enters scene waving whip frantically.

MICHAEL

Whoa!,, Whoa!

Vets skid to a stop and Sir John Walker wearing track suit walks into scene.

SIR JOHN

I’m sorry, but this running gag has gone way to far.

VET

The Walkers are right, it’s getting dangerously silly now, I quit.

Vets put stretcher down and everybody quickly exits scene. Rear vet looks a bit like a smirking David Lange.

RICHARD

Hay, you forgot about me!,, HELLOOOOOO,,

SNOWY ( voice only )

Run Snowy, RUN!

Hear other characters laugh at Snowy’s joke as Richard’s eyes suddenly looks scared and we hear the sound of galloping horses. The horse race enters scene and cut just as the lead horse is about to hurdle Richard who is so scared he starts shitting himself.  A sign flops down.

RICHARD ( voice only )

Ouch!,, OUCH!,,, YEEEOUCH!

SIGN

No animal act was harmed in the making of this sketch except for Sir Roger, Richard, and Rodney, who are all now seeking legal aid and a free business class trip to Europe to search for Shergar, Hone Harawira, and Rodney’s runaway “girl friend”, wink wink nudge nudge!

,

ACT 2

SCENE 7

INTERIOR BAR-  AFTER HOURS

Frank is behind bar and John, Sinaman, and Pepper are drinking beers at bar. Stereo behind bar is playing ‘How Bizarre’ by O.M.C.

FRANK

So what’s this big audition you’re going for anyways?

SINAMAN

It’s for a new TVNZ csi show, I play a sassy blonde who

gets murdered by her creepy cricket playing boyfriend’s

jealous fiance,

JOHN

Sounds good, will there be any nudity involved?

SINAMAN

NO! It’s TVNZ, they frown at nudity, thank God.

JOHN

Well I won’t be watching that’s for sure, there are like a

hundred csi shows on tv and they all have some

opening scene of some hot babe getting killed and not

one of them feature nudity, its a complete rip off.

PEPPER

So you’re saying your tv viewing habits are all

determined by nudity?

JOHN

No way! I’m not that shallow, female nudity only.

FRANK

Ya John loves his female nudity, he even has a whole

ninety minute video that features female nudity

exclusivly from ten years of hard tv viewing, hahaha

JOHN

Na I don’t have that tape anymore, I threw it out after a

week on the internet, I can’t believe how immature I was

before I had internet.

PEPPER

Yes it’s very hard to believe such a mature person like

yourself could ever be immature.

SINAMAN

Ya, I always thought old guys were just born mature.

FRANK

I can’t believe you threw that tape out! That was art! He

even went to the trouble of having two video recorders

so he could edit all the good bits, hahaha

JOHN

Ya it wasn’t all just tits and bums, I also had like the four

or  five seconds leading up to where Frankenstein or

Dracula rip the top off of some poor unsuspecting

blonde, I tried to give it a bit of a European film feel.

PEPPER

Well if that isn’t a sign of early maturity I don’t what is.

FRANK

Ya John taught me all I know about maturity, I owe all

my maturity to him, haha

JOHN

Hey that’s right, you still owe me a beer for that too.

John starts sculling beer as Frank fills another glass.

PEPPER

I think I would be demanding a refund Frank.

John finishes beer and burps.

JOHN ( Steve Martin like )

Well, excuuuse me!

FRANK

Ya see? it takes a very mature man to apologize for burping.

Frank hands John another beer.

JOHN ( Groucho like )

Thank YO!

SINAMAN

Gee it’s three am pops, isn’t it pass very mature mans bedtime?

JOHN

Ya where is Dean, he was supposed to pick me up an hour

ago, I hope he remembered, I don’t want to have to walk

home, I think it might rain.

FRANK

Na it ain’t gonna rain, anyway, what ever happened to,

“Now I’ve given up smokin, I’m going to get real fit by

walking, you just watch me! ”

JOHN

I was talking dry fit not wet fit, wet fit is for girls.

SINAMAN

Ya, dry fit can get painful.

Phone rings.

FRANK ( answers phone like Lurch from ‘The Addams Family)

Wow late night call,,,You raaaangggg,, wow you must

have esp! John was just asking about you,, ya he said

he was just about to walk home to get wet, haha,, ya sure

just a sec,, ( HANDS PHONE AND SMILES AT JOHN ) it’s Dean.

Frank laughs and as John tries to get rid of Wet Pussy the characters hand out some jibes.

JOHN

Hey you old dog where are ya? ,, Wet Pussy!  Whoops

sorry I thought it was somebody else,,, na just a friend

but hey Wet,,  ya ok sorry, Fran, it’s,,, na I just found out

I missed out, evidently I was TOO funny for Russell,

typical Aussie bastard,, actually Fran,, hey can I just,,,

ya,,ya of coarse,,,, but hey my taxi just arrived I have ,,,

ya will do,, I promise,,, ya promise,,

PEPPER

Oh boy, I hope we are finally going to get to hear those

infamous encore lines now.

SINAMAN

I sure hope he gets better, I’ve already deducted four

points for his slow start. ( grabs pen and pad )

FRANK

Hey don’t judge him till you hear his encore lines, they

are every girl’s wildest wet dream, haha

PEPPER

Oh, should I be getting my thigh highs, fish nets, and fly rod?

FRANK

Yes please!

SINAMAN

My wildest wet dream involves lots of expensive bottles

of French Champange, he better not cheap out and

having me bathing in a cheap Aussie cask, I’m better

than that pops!

FRANK

Ya you girls can laugh now but once you hear these

encore lines, John guarantees, you will be soaking,

SINAMAN

Ya, in puke.

Pepper and Frank laugh and we hear Bird’s laughing bark. John smiles and gives Bird ‘the bird’  as Wet Pussy continues yapping away, cut. ( what a sick way to end that scene.)

SCENE 8 –

EXT NIGHT OUTSIDE A BLOCK OF FLATS.

Dean’s taxi is parked out front a block of flats and it’s raining and there is one open window upstairs with light on and through curtains see shadow of Stella looking like she’s whipping a bucking bronco hard. Soundtrack is Dragon singing ‘Rain’.

STELLA

Giddy UP BOY!,, YES YEESS YEEEEESSS !!!

DEAN (  very loud voice only )

Stella,, HAY STEEEEEEEEELLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!

Stella crops whip at the window like a winning race salute. See next doors light turn on, then downstairs lights turn on and enters the scene is a very wet John carrying beat guitar case head down walking home fast, cut just as we hear loud thunder and John starts to swear out loud.

SCENE 9

EXTERIOR DAY STREET.

Sinaman is about to walk into ‘Stella’s Beauty Therapy’ pausing before she enters to make sure nobody she knows sees her. We see the shoe shop has now shut down. ( Blam Blam Blam lied ) Two other nervous blondes walk in and camera follows Sinaman to the waiting room where the two other nervous blondes are reading ‘Beauty NZ’ magazines both with different covers of Lucy Lawless. Sinaman nervously sits down and picks up another Lucy Lawless magazine. There is a Lucy Lawless poster on the wall and stereo is playing Fur Patrol singing ‘Lydia’. Stella a 35 year old butch looking woman barges in.

STELLA

Hi I’m Stella, now, which one of you lucky girls is next?

Nervous girls pause a few beats and then all point at each other.

GIRLS

She is! ,,

SCENE 10

EXTERIOR DAY TIME INSIDE ‘DEAN’S CAB-

Dean and Pepper have just parked in the airport parking lot. On radio is Fat Freddy’s Drop singing ‘Wandering Eye’.

PEPPER

Well wish me luck.

DEAN

Yes yes of coarse, hey you don’t want me to come in for

moral support do you, I can even say, I’m your new

boyfriend or possibly, hehe, even fiance, hehe, funny

word, has a funny ring to it, fee on say, hee hee,

,

PEPPER

Yes that would be a lot of fun ,, actually,,, that’s not that

silly of an idea,, all right,, here are my conditions,,

SCENE  11

INTERIOR BEAUTY SHOP.

Sinaman and other girl ‘Rose’ are nervously reading magazines. On the stereo is Stellar playing ‘Violent’. We hear a rip sound followed by a loud scream, then.

BRAZILIAN GIRL ( voice only )

STEEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !

Sinaman and Rose look at each other nervously, calmly put down magazines, then make a mad rush for the door. Cut as they both hit the door at the same time and get stuck in the middle.

SCENE 12-

INTERIOR AIRPORT BAR.

Dean and Pepper are sitting opposite mother Helen and her 50 year old typical Aussie fiance Bruce. Bruce is drinking pint of beer, Pepper is on her second rum and coke, Helen is drinking wine and Dean has a cup of coffee. Airport background music is Goldenhorse singing ‘Maybe Tomorrow’.

BRUCE

So mate, what do you do for a crust Dean?

DEAN

Well Bruce me ole mate, hehe, currently, I am the most

senior, fastest, and naturally the best ole driver of

‘Moonlight Cabs’, this towns top taxi company, we are

fast and cheap, just like we like our shielas eh Bruce,

wink wink nudge nudge, hee hee,

PEPPER

Don’t mind him that’s just a bit of cheap taxi humour,

he gets funnier the more you drink.

They all take big drinks.

DEAN

Yes yes of coarse I know Pepper is not cheap and I

have to better myself job wise to keep such an

expensive woman so I have been studying hard for

quite a few years now to pursue a much more lucrative

career option, and I think, I may be only four, possibly

five, six at the extreme outside, weeks away from giving

up the ole driving gig to earn the big bucks, as after all, I

am now a, fee on say, hehe, I must get you a funny ring

darling, hey?

PEPPER

Yes my hand feels naked without that funny ring and

you know you promised last week you would get one.

HELEN

Well thank God you are not just a taxi driver, we think

Pepper is better than that.

BRUCE

Ya so mate what’s this lucrative career you have been

studying for?

DEAN

Professional gambler, I follow the ponies, AND, I have

studied real hard to work out a system, I’m going to be

rich soon yes, yes, and Pepper too off coarse, hey darling?

Bruce face drops and Helen sniffs her disapproval.

PEPPER

Yes, don’t you worry mister I will be there when you

start winning big to keep an eye on you, just to make

sure you don’t waste it all on fast women and slow

horses like you usually do.

DEAN

But darling I never waste money on slow horses, maybe

fast horses that are having an off day but never slow,

I’ve learnt that lesson the hard way, believe me dear.

Stella Cropp enters scene.

STELLA

Well hello handsome, fancy seeing you here, I was almost

going to ring you before, I was after another ride. ( SMILES )

DEAN

Ahh Stellaaaa, well yes yes it is a very small world

sometimes, ahh, ahem,, Stella, this is Bruce and Helen all

the way over from Australia on a stopover to Fiji, and ahh,

this is Sharon’s lovely daughter Pepper, who works in

that bar I was telling you so much about, and,, this is Stella

Cropp, third leading apprentice rider in New Zealand and

closing in rapidly on being number two, isn’t that right Stella?

STELLA

You’re lucky Dean, you know for a second there, I

thought you might have been cheating on me ALREADY,

how funny is that? ( SMILES )

DEAN

Hee hee, yes yes very funny, very funny indeed, you see, ahem,,

BRUCE

Stella, this is Pepper, Dean’s,, Fee, On, Say.

Dean giggles at “fee on say” and Stella gets real mad.

STELLA

FIANCE! Why you lying bastard! I hate you, you sick

creep! I never want to see you again, you disgusting

Pervert!

Stella rushes out of scene and a couple of beats of silence as Helen gives some sniffs then Stella rushes back into scene.

STELLA

Oh and one more thing, STANLEY!

Stella throws Bruce’s beer in Dean’s face and leaves fast.

PEPPER

Well, STANLEY,, here’s another fine mess you’ve

gotten me into.

DEAN

No no she must be crazy, I only gave her a ride, honest

darling, she’s a nutsarooni!

A couple of beats of silence as Dean wipes face with napkin and Helen sniffs.

PEPPER

So anyways, how did you two lovebirds meet up?

BRUCE

On an Aussie internet chat site.

PEPPER

Ohhh,, that sounds romantic.

BRUCE

Yup, it was love at first type. ( LAUGHS )

HELEN

Pepper, didn’t you read those notes I gave you, I warned

you about taxi drivers, they will drive you,

PEPPER

CRAZY, yes, I do remember now, mother you were right,,

Dean, I’m sorry, but I’ve regained my sanity, our engagement

is over,

Helen and Bruce look pleased.

DEAN

Yes but darling,

PEPPER

I’m turning lesbian again!

Helen sniffs and Bruce looks interested and sleazily smiles.

DEAN

Hey Stelllaaaa, wait, I can explain!

Dean runs out of scene after Stella.

DEAN ( loud voice only )

Stella, Hay STEEEEEEELLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !

A smiling waiter enters the silent scene with another round of drinks, cut. Yes Dean gave Stella another ride and has the scars to prove it.

act 3

scene 13

INTERIOR INSIDE CASTING OFFICE-

Sinaman walks up to a door carrying cv with sign on the door ‘Hunter Casting’  and ‘ dead blonde auditions’. She goes inside and the two girls from the beauty therapy room are sitting there reading ‘NZ ACTOR’ magazines both with different pics of Lucy Lawless. Room looks almost the same as ‘Stella’s Beauty Therapy’ waiting room except there is a ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ poster on wall. On the stereo is Anika Moa singing ‘Dreams in my Head’. Sinaman does a double take.

SINAMAN

Jeepers, is this a deja vu scene or what?

ROSE

Nope, it’s all just a bad dream.

.

CANDY ( Brazilian )

No, this is for a dead blonde scene, dega voo must be

down the hall.

ROSE

No silly, deja vu, means she’s seen this scene before,

like in a dream.

CANDY

Huh? You mean like a rerun, I’m not up with all these

acting terms, this is my first time.

SINAMAN

What you’ve never acted before, how the hell did you

get an audition anyways?

CANDY

Stella invited me, she was so impressed how good I

acted getting my Brazilian she said I could be a great

actress, I think she likes me. ( giggles )

SINAMAN

And what the hell does Stella have to do with casting?

Remembers Willy mentioning Stella and gets a worried look as Stella barges through door.

STELLA

Sorry I’m late girls, I got held up with another job, I’m

SINAMAN AND ROSE

Stellaaaaaaaa

STELLA

Well hello hello hello, what a coincidence, and Candy,

so nice to see you, I’m glad you came sugar.

Candy gives Stella a very passionate hug. Sinaman and Rose give each other a suspicious look.

SINAMAN

You’re right, this is turning into one bad dream.

STELLA

Well I guess this is easy, we need a Brazilian blonde for

this role and all I see here is one brave Brazilian and two

scared blonde pussies, Candy congratulations, welcome

to the wonderful world of show business.

CANDY ( very excited jumping up and down )

Yay yippee, yay, I’m going to be a tv actress, I can’t wait

to quit my job as a stupid waitress, that’s so below me

now, yay yay, Hollywood here I come! Thank you Stella,

I love you!

Candy gives Stella a big hug and kiss as girls look disgusted.

ROSE

My bad dream just turned into a nightmare.

SINAMAN

Ya how the hell does a waxer become a casting agent?

STELLA

Well times are tight out there, casting no longer pays all

the bills so I took up waxing, it doesn’t pay much but I do

it as a labour of love, a girl has to make ends meet you know.

SINAMAN

This sucks, I went through Brazilian anxiety for nothing,

I feel used.

STELLA

Well don’t worry girls, I need a couple of waitress extras

for a sleazy bar scene where all you have to do is shake

your head no when you are shown a glossy picture of the

lovely Candy in a bikini, do you think you could do that?

SINAMAN

Hell ya! I play a waitress in a sleazy bar four or five nights

a week so it’s not much of a stretch for me.

ROSE

And I’m a waitress in a fancy restaurant but I specialized in

sleaze in Drama School.

STELLA

Well that sounds good, I’ll just take your cv’s and I’ll be

in touch with your agent.

They hand over cv’s. Stella reads them.

STELLA

Oh, both Willy girls I see.

SINAMAN

Ya, when it cums to getting a great role you just can’t beat Willy.

STELLA

Yes, well, just make sure you never try to beat him, Willy

loves it waaay too much, trust me, I dated him once. ( shudders at the thought )

ROSE ( to Sinaman )

Well I guess this nightmare didn’t turn out to bad after all.

SINAMAN

Ya, it almost makes Drama School and a huge student

loan seem all so worthwhile now.

STELLA

Oh, and did I mention for these roles a Brazilian is required,

otherwise it wouldn’t be fair on Candy would it?

Couple of beats while girls think.

SINAMAN

How about I just pay you twenty bucks and I’ll act like

a Brazilian.

STELLA

Oh, all right miss scaredy pussy.

ROSE

My pussy just screamed, better put her in for twenty too.

STELLA

Well that’s the easiest forty bucks I’ll make, who said

waxing doesn’t pay?

SINAMAN

Probably some scared pussy.

ROSE

Meow meow.

CANDY

Should I be taking an acting lesson? I’m kind of nervous

about this.

STELLA

There’s no need to be nervous dear, I also happen to teach

acting so go wait on my couch and we will go over your

scenes, don’t worry, I will teach you to act like a star, a very

sexy star at that.

CANDY

Cool!

Candy skips into the office.

STELLA

She’s going to make it big, I just know it!

SINAMAN

Ya move over Xena, we have our own Madonna now.

STELLA

So, where’s that twenty bucks?

Cut as girls begrudgingly open purses. In a later episode Sinaman and Rose got real hissy when they miss out on a part on a TVNZ sitcom to Candy who is then touted by TVNZ as “New Zealand’s next Lucy Lawless, only blonde, and a lot funnier!”. Candy later went on to win a Golden Globe Nomination for Best Supporting Actress for playing a dumb blonde on Woody Allen’s last film but that’s another story.

SCENE 14

INTERIOR JOHN’S FLAT.

Dean has just shown John and Frank his whip marks on his ass and is pulling up pants. On tv and stereo is The Chills singing ‘Heavenly Pop Song’.

FRANK

Yeouch, that looks like it hurt.

DEAN

Surprisingly not that much at the time but yes it does

sting a bit now and then but hey, I’m a man, I can take a

bit of pain for sex, hey hey,

JOHN

You’ll have to wear a saddle or something next time.

DEAN

I was but she wasn’t aiming dem whips at that saddle,

she’s kind of mean I think, hehe,

FRANK

Wow a saddle too! Unreal! I can’t believe all the great

sex you get, being ridden by the hottest jockey in New

Zealand, man, that’s what my dreams are made of !

JOHN

Ya I always thought Stella Cropp was hot but after that

story she’s like burning hot, I wonder if she likes to

horse around with older internet studs?

FRANK

Oh ya I bet that’s every young jockey’s wet dream to

have some poor ole unemployed sugar daddy, haha

JOHN

Ya well, in a perfect world it would be.

DEAN

Yes yes maybe you will be big in Heaven Johny, there

are probably a pack of virgins up there fighting right

now over who does you first,” Hey I saw him first”,

“No get away! He’s mine bitch!”, hehe

JOHN

Well if there’s a fight I’m a praying some big fat lesbian

doesn’t win, that would be like hell.

FRANK

Well you don’t have to worry, I don’t think they allow

perverts in Heaven anyways, haha

DEAN

No no Heaven loves it’s perverts, either that, or there’ll

be one hell of a lot of very angry priests dancing with

Satan, hehehe

FRANK

Haha ya, all Moonwalking to ‘Sympathy for the Devil’, haha

JOHN

Well I sure hope all the virgins up there aren’t nuns cause

they seem to die pretty old, I don’t want no old virgin,

they’re just not the same.

FRANK

I don’t think you’ll have to worry anyways cause there will

be heaps of rich and successful type guys up there who get

first pick, you will be left with their leftover virgins, hahaha

JOHN

No way! I think everyone’s supposed to be equal in Heaven.

FRANK

Oh ya that’s what they want you to think, I bet when you

get up there it’s a different story, money talks, just ask

Oral Roberts, haha   ( Bill Hicks was censored from

‘Letterman’ for an Oral Roberts joke, that’s for him)

JOHN

All right that settles it then, Hell here I cum.

DEAN

Yes yes I have to admit Hell has its advantages, 24 hour

party time every day and never having to work, man all

those hot women down there, can life be any better than

that, ahhhhh,

JOHN

Ya I always thought the Satanists don’t do a good job

at promoting Hell, like every picture you see it’s all flames

and real hot where if they lost the flames and promote it

more as warm and cozy and the home of great music,

they would be the most popular religion in the world.

FRANK

Ya especially in winter haha

DEAN

Yes yes the music down there would burn, John Bonham,

Keith Moon, Buddy Rich, the ole Devil in the corner

handing out his weed, oh man, I want to go! It would be

like Heaven! hehe ( typical drummer they only think of themselves)

FRANK

Ya I bet Heaven’s music sucks, all you would get would

be Mormon Tabernacle Choir stuff and harp music, and

I bet listening to harps playing ‘Stairway To Heaven’  for

eternity would feel like hell, haha

phone rings.

FRANK

Wow late night call! Is that Wet Pussy?

JOHN

Hope not, you want to get it, just say I have just gone

out for an hour.

FRANK

Na I’ve had enough of Wet Pussy, it’s too much like

talking dirty to The Nanny, haha

JOHN

Ya I know, I was expecting her to sound like Elaine

from ‘Seinfeld’, I got totally ripped off.

DEAN

Well if you guys don’t want no Wet Pussy I’ll answer it

and try some of this wild hot phonesex, yes yes,

JOHN

Ya sure go for it, make sure she sounds like the Nanny

though, I’ll get some lines for you if ya want,

DEAN

I don’t need no lines, I have lines to die for Johny, you

better get your pen ready boy, hee hee, ( picks up phone)

Well hellooo there,,, no he’s just gone out but he told me

if you rang you are crazy into some wild hot phone sex which

Johny is always talking about so enthusiastically, yum I

can ,,, ahh,, ahem,, yes yes, sorry, just joking off coarse, ahh,

just a momento, Johny just walked in,, it’s your mum, hehe

Frank laughs as John gets up to answer phone.

JOHN

Oh what! She sounds nothing like The Nanny! That

settles it, if Blanche DuBois wins this weekend the

first thing I’m buying is one of those answerphones,

this is too much,,,, Hi mum,,, Ya sorry about that, it’s

some crazy friend of Frank’s that I don’t really know,,

FRANK

Oh ya blame me!

JOHN

Ya he’s right here, I think he wants to say hi,,, ya just a sec,

Hands phone to Frank and smirks. Dean is looking at cams on computer and he and John overlap Frank’s dialogue.

FRANK

Thanks,,, Hi Mrs S, long time no speak,,, ya I’m doin ok,

still working as a barman,,, nope haven’t done stand up

in years, what about you, you still playing bass?,,,, you

should come down to the bar one night, we hardly get

any female bass players there,,, oh right, what haven’t

you got an electric one,,, wow heavy stuff,,, ( LAUGHS)

that’s funny, haha,,,

DEAN

Johnny come look at this hot babe, man she is hot, and

getting naked, phew!, Oh man, she is pure sex, ahhhhh

JOHN

Hey I can’t look at naked babes when my mum’s on the

phone, I’m sick but not THAT sick.

FRANK ( cups phone)

You wanna bet haha.

JOHN

What’s her nicname anyways?

DEAN

Ahh,, Warm Pussy 69, oh man, she is tasty,

JOHN

Warm Pussy 69! I love Warm Pussy, she is hot! She cums

from Florida!

John rushes over to the computer to complete his beat ‘Stan Daniel’s turn’. John’s chat nicname was ‘Willy B. Good’ which he had to change three weeks later after he took to long in the shower and Dean gave Willy a very bad name indeed.

JOHN

Whoa mama,,(  STARTS TYPING ) I get excited just typing

Warm Pussy 69,, it just rolls of your fingers.

FRANK

Ya great talking to ya Mrs S,, ya will do, now heeeeeeeeeere’s

Johnyy!,,, JOHN

Frank waves phone.

JOHN

D’oh!,, Now don’t type anything, I don’t want to get

bounced again, remember?

DEAN

Yes yes I remember, you couldn’t get back in for 24 hours

cause I was rude, hehe

JOHN

Ya well just don’t touch the keyboard, that was a long 24 hours.

DEAN

Yes yes I promise.

John goes to phone and Frank goes over to computer as Dean types something and they overlap dialogue.

JOHN

I’m back,,,, ya,,, na job market seems pretty tight, I might

just have to wait for the economy to pick up again

before I can seek meaningful employment.,,( LAUGHS) ,,

Well I’m on the computer a lot,,, No way! I don’t do porn,

mostly music and guitar type stuff sites,,( LAUGHS) Damn

you know me to well,,  huhu, ya true,,,

FRANK

Wow you’re right she is hot,, wow!

DEAN

Yes yes you should type something sexy to her, she just

said she’d love to get a bit of Kiwi Willy in her, hehe, yes

yes she’s a Good girl all right, hee hee,

Frank types something sexy and suddenly the cam shuts off and he is bounced from room. Dean bends over in laughter.

FRANK

Hey what! I didn’t even swear, what’s the friggen story?

DEAN

I just had a warning for being crude, hehe

FRANK

Oh right it’s your fault, haha

JOHN

Hey I told you not to touch that!,,, oh just Frank fooling

around on my computer, he just gave me an illegal

operation, bastard,,,( LAUGHS) good point,,, ok I’ll call ya

next week maybe,, ya good to talk to ya,, take care,,bye.

FRANK

Wow is that the time, I better get going,

DEAN

Yes I must go too, time is money and I need to get some

more to put on Blanche since if it’s a dry track she will

be a shoe in, yes, yes, catch ya later Johny.

FRANK

Ya see ya, and don’t “pleasure yourself” to hard, haha

Frank and Dean wave and leave fast just as John gets off the phone to swear at them as he knows it’s going to be another long 24 hours. Stan Daniels was a very funny Canadian comedy writer and co creator of ‘Taxi’ who perfected a comedy set up in which a character says something and then immediately does a 180 degree turn on what he said which is now referred to as a ‘Stan Daniels turn’. Homer Simpson seems to be a bit of an expert at it these days.

SCENE 15

INTERIOR BEAT BAR- AFTER HOURS

Pepper is behind bar and Sinaman is smiling as Pepper has just told her the airport story. There is a spare glass which is Rose’s who has gone to bathroom. All are drinking rum and cokes and on bar stereo is When The Cat’s Away singing ‘Melting Pot’.

SINAMAN

Gee what a story, I bet Bruce will be talking about that

family reunion for years!

PEPPER

Yes I bet he is already texting his drunk mates about his

future hot lesbian daughter in law who also seems to like

sleazy blokes, I could even become an Australian tourist

attraction.

SINAMAN

ewwww, I’ve only had one Aussie and never again, he

lasted about three seconds and then had the nerve to

yell “oi oi oi, Aussie Aussie Aussie”,  just before I

whipped him senseless.

PEPPER

Yes Australians treat sex like an Olympic sport, the

quicker the better, I’ve had a one second Aussie but

fortunately he didn’t ‘oi oi oi’ or he would have been

one dead Aussie, I hate those oi oi oi’s.

SINAMAN

Ya if it wasn’t for the quick guys I would probably move

over there, acting has to be easier in Aussie than here.

PEPPER

Well I didn’t tell you but you were lucky not to get that

corpse role as my best friend was murdered on ‘Xena’

years ago and it absolutely killed her acting career, she

said once you act dead its only downhill from there,

she never got on tv again.

SINAMAN

Gee, so what’s she doing now?

PEPPER ( looks at clock)

Well, she’s probably sipping a martini and ordering her

Brazilian pool boy to fan harder because its “oh so hot

in Malibu all year round”, the bitch married the American

producer and is now living happily ever after and what

makes it real tragic,, I was up for that role too, that could

have been me being fanned by a Brazilian pool boy.

SINAMAN

Gee what a life, Malibu, that’s close to Hollywood, does

her husband still produce?

PEPPER

Yes, every month he produces a huge alimony cheque

for her and their adopted kid, she is living the American

dream, and he is,, now into Gaming Films, I think.

SINAMAN

I hate Gaming films, there’s not enough roles for women

in them, unless you want to get killed or play a corpse.

PEPPER

Yes good female roles are a dying breed these days.

Rose enters scene.

ROSE

Well i think I’m sufficiently drunk enough to forget about

why I wanted to become an actor in the first place, so,

can I borrow the phone, I better ring a cab before I pass

out and act dead.

Pepper passes phone.

PEPPER

Don’t worry, I bet in five years I’ll be reliving the story

countless times about how I used to know you two

before they were rich and famous and now the bitches

refuse to return my calls, I feel betrayed, quick buy me

another drink or two so I can tell you all about their most

wildest sexual exploits.

Rose smiles as dials and Pepper and Sinaman give each other a knowing look when they hear the name Dean.

ROSE

Oh hi, is Dean working tonight? ,, Great, could you tell

him Rose Bush needs a ride from the beat bar, he will

know who I am,, great, thank you.

PEPPER

Don’t tell me, Dean Cassidy?

ROSE

Yes, do you know him?

PEPPER

I think every girl in town knows Dean, he gets around

like a hurricane.

ROSE

Tell me about it, he’s a hard boy to pin down.

SINAMAN

Not that hard, Pepper was engaged to him.

ROSE

Oh sorry, well, I mean, he’s just an old friend, there was

nothing sexual of coarse,

PEPPER

Don’t worry, I’m well over him, we were only engaged

for about ten minutes before I had to break it off after I

caught him cheating, seems so long ago now its

almost just a dream. ( takes big drink )

ROSE

And how long ago was it ?

PEPPER ( looks at clock )

Oh, at least, eight or nine eight hours ago, though, in

retrospect, it seems infinitely longer. ( sculls drink )

SINAMAN

Gee I think I must be the only girl in town that hasn’t had a

fling with that cad, I must be slowing down in old age.

PEPPER

Old age? Do you want me to hurt you?

SINAMAN

Ya I been a bad girl, spank me mama! ( smiles at Pepper )

Hear four loud car horn honks.

ROSE

Boy that was fast.

PEPPER

He is always fast when it cums to giving girls a ride, do

give him my love.

SINAMAN

And tell him our rendezvous for Friday is off, I don’t do

recently engaged guys, they are to needy.

ROSE

Boy, he sure has some explaining to do,, well, nice to

meet you Pepper.

PEPPER

Yes nice to meet you Rose, do remember me when you

are famous.

ROSE ( holds purse like an Oscar )

How could I ever forget Dean’s ex fiance, I dedicate this

Oscar to her, without what’s her name I would have been

just another nobody! ( SMILES)  And I’ve got your number

Sin I’ll call you this weekend to go over our “scene”,

wink wink.

Sinaman shakes head no.

ROSE

What can’t you make it this weekend?

SINAMAN

Ya, I was just practicing our “scene”, was I convincing?

Rose shakes head no.

PEPPER ( to Sinaman )

She’s good, I’m convinced she wasn’t convinced, and

I’m very hard to convince.

Hear horn honk another four times and Rose quickly waves bye and leaves.

SINAMAN

You know I bet she does go a long way, she is

pretty convincing isn’t she?

PEPPER

Well I’m convinced she won’t be going a long way

with Dean tonight.

The girls smile at each other for a couple of beats and cut just as they click glasses and laugh. The girls were wrong, Dean scored!

SCENE 16

INTERIOR RACETRACK STABLE AREA .

Dean and Stella walk up to Blanche DuBois’s stall.

DEAN

Hey there’s no music in here, these poor horses must

get bored with nothing to listen to, poor Blanche needs

some sounds to get her piped and ready!

STELLA

Well she’s looking very relaxed today, usually she’s

very edgy.

DEAN

It must be because she already knows she is going to win,

why worry when you are a winner, isn’t that right Blanche

darling?

Dean pats her head and Blanche nods then Dean takes out something from his pocket and gives it to her which she gobbles up.

STELLA

You are not really supposed to feed them anything

before a race.

DEAN

Don’t worry dear it was only a couple of sugar cubes

which will hopefully give her that extra shot of speed

at the end of the race, you like speed don’t you Blanche?

Blanche licks lips as Dean gets Ipod out to play some music for her.

STELLA

What are you doing ?

DEAN

I’m just getting some music to play for Blanche,

hopefully it will inspire her run fast for I have a lot of

hard earned money on her to win and I dare not even

think of the consequences if she loses, as that would

be far to depressing to even worry about, let alone

contemplate, have you got that Blanche darling?

Blanche nods and Dean hangs Ipod above Blanche and we can hear it’s Straightjacket Fits singing ‘She Speeds’. Blanche seems to like the music.

STELLA

I hope you haven’t put to much on her, she’s a bit

unpredictable you know so certainly no certainty, just

a good each way long shot bet.

DEAN

Yes well I’ve put everything I have on her darling, eighty

to win and twenty bucks of quinellas and trifectas with a

mate, and, I have ten to win on Chico Marx as a saviour

just in case something goes wrong as Chico is an old

fave of mine, I won six hundred bucks on him last year

and man that was one craaazy weekend,, Phew! ( shakes head at rememberence )

STELLA ( shakes head at Deans big wager )

O.K., well, I better go get changed and I’ll just pray

Blanche is in a good mood today.

DEAN

Don’t worry darling just follow Chico he will lead the way,

I will meet you in the winners circle, I will just let Blanche

hear the end of this song, good luck sexy,

STELLA

Thanks handsome, I’ll hopefully see you in the winners

circle then.

DEAN

That you will darling, that you will,

Dean hugs and kisses Stella and Blanche looks a bit upset. Stella leaves.

DEAN

Don’t worry Blanche she means nothing to me, it’s you I

love darling, ( PATS HER)  mmm yes yes you are so

beautiful, you are by far the sexiest horse racing today,,

you are a winner babe.

Dean looks around to make sure nobody is watching and takes another couple of sugar cubes out of his pocket and cut just as he gives them to Blanche.

SCENE 17

INTERIOR JOHN’S FLAT.

Frank and John are sitting infront of tv smiling as we hear the funky music from ‘Seinfeld’ . We don’t see tv screen until last shot. ( Seinfeld episode was ‘The Contest’ )

FRANK

Wow that was a funny show!

JOHN

Ya, I’d never enter a contest like that now I’ve got the

internet, I’d be a loser first day.

FRANK

Haha ya, I bet you could still beat Dean though, haha

JOHN

Ya true, all I’d have to do is take a quick nap. ( laughs )

FRANK

Hey quick our race is about to start!

JOHN

Oh ya right.

John changes channel and we hear racecaller Darren Tyquin getting ready to call race.

FRANK

I wonder where Dean is? I gave him twenty bucks for

quinellas and trifectas, hope he got it on as he was

supposed to be here, my luck the trifecta comes in

but he got held up or something.

JOHN

You’ve still got her each way though haven’t you?

FRANK

Ya eleven each way.

JOHN

Hey big spender.

FRANK

Ya well I work don’t I?, haha

JOHN

Good point.

FRANK

How much you got on her?

JOHN

Three each way and a dollar quinella with Chico Marx, she

better win or it’s No Name cat food for Big AL next week.

BIG AL ( voice only )

Big Al  Big AAAL !

FRANK

Sounds like Big AL isn’t very happy about that, haha

JOHN

Ya well it’s about time he went on a diet anyways.

BIG AL ( v.o.)

Hissssssssss!  ( sorry the jokes are running thin now )

We hear the race has started. The boys talk over a lot of Darren’s racecall but I attempted to give a sample of his calling style as he starts out in a moderate tempo but builds it up to an almost bebob like frenzy over the final 100 metres as each race he called was like a crazed jazz song all built on rythym as he was a true racecalling artist. PS- Sunline was a late entry.

DARREN ( voice only )

back to Hi Hat with three lengths back to Sunline

racing on the outside of Sun Up with a length back to old

Chico Marx and two lengths last is Blanche DuBois who

jockey Stella Cropp gives a couple of stiff reminders with

the whip to get her mind on the job as Stella seems to be

in another stubborn mood again but back to the leaders

here, Elmo Hussle and Charlie Parker are together in a

real speed duel up front as they have sped away by at

least three or four lengths as they are going at it hammer

and tongs like there’s no tomorrow, …………….

FRANK

Damn, I knew she was a wet tracker, bloody Dean’s

stupid tips, I should have known.

JOHN

Ya how anti climatic, we are not even going to get a run

for our hard earned money, what a rip off, I should have

known too, never trust Dean, what an idiot I am.

FRANK

I’ll still follow her next start she strikes it wet though,

her odds will be real big then.

JOHN

I only put that much money on her cause you remember

when she won about a year ago and we dismissed Dean’s

big tip as crazy and she paid 42 to one, I’m still cursing

myself for not having at least a buck each way on her, so

I went big this time just to make up for my stupid mistake.

FRANK

Hey look she’s passed a horse.

JOHN

Oh oh, here she cums! ( hope i dont have to pay Hall and Oates royalties for that line )

FRANK

Well I wouldn’t get that excited haha

Boys are starting to get a bit more excited.

DARREN ( voice getting excited )

And the leaders are stopping here as Elmo Hussle and

Charlie Parker look like they have hit the brick wall and

are running up and down on the same blade of grass

and now here comes the swoopers from the rear with

the ten year old Chico Marx grabbing them out wide but

now HERE COMES BLANCHE DuBOIS from the clouds

right down the extreme outside with a wet sail, and she

gets up and grabs Chico on the line to win by a head,

with a further two lengths back to the hot favourite Sunline

who also stormed home from the clouds just a head of Sun Up

running home well for fourth with a length back Hi Hat

and Fred Dagg…and finally Elmo Hussle and Charlie

Parker who were involved in that mad speed duel up front

folded up like yesterday’s paper and have both come home

at the rear of the field together, a long and lonely three

lengths stone cold last. …………

Boys are real happy and excited now and attempt to complete the very rare and difficult double beat ‘Stan Daniels turn’. Kids don’t you dare try this at home!

JOHN

See! I told you it was about time one of his tips came in!

I told you! I knew she was going to win, I’m kicking myself,

I was going to have six each way on her but I chickened

out at the last minute! What an idiot, I knew I should have

trusted Dean more, I knew it !

FRANK

Ya I knew she was going to win as soon as I saw those

leaders going so hard, it was so obvious, I think I must

have esp sometimes, man I hope Dean got those bets on

cause we have the trifecta and quinella which will pay

heaps, it will be my biggest win ever, my luck, I bet he

didn’t get them on!

Boys eyes light up big as they have spotted on tv a very excited Dean standing by trainer Slim Chance in the winners circle.

FRANK AND JOHN

DEAN !!!

DARREN ( v.o. continuing)

And jubilant jockey Stella Cropp waves her whip to the

stunned crowd and brings back Blanche DuBois to the

winners circle for a very happy trainer Slim Chance with

what looks like a very excited owner waving a bundle of

tickets as why wouldn’t you be excited, Stella was the rank

outsider in the field at 42 to 1 beating another outsider

Chico Marx at 20 to 1 with two lengths back to the third

place hot favourite Sunline with Sun Up rushing home for

fourth with a blackbook first up run written all over it but

take no credit away from the winner Blanche DuBois, she

was certainly on her game today, a last to first performance

with a phenomenal display of speed over those final two

hundred metres, that’s the Blanche BuBois of old we all

used to know and love and now in the twilight of her career,

as she’s been around a few corners I’ll give you the tip,

FRANK

Unreal!! Dean got the bets on AND made it on tv, that’s

unreal! What are the odds!

JOHN

Ya its not often you see a loser in the winners circle!

FRANK

Ya i love being a winner, makes losing so much more

worthwhile now, haha, all right, where’s the next race,

I’m on Fire!

DEAN ( voice only )

Stella, HEY STTTTTEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAA

Boys look on speachless.

DARREN ( voice only )

Oh my God! The idiot owner just yelled out jockey Stella’s

name so loud it’s set off Blanche DuBois into a mad

bronking frenzy here with jockey Stella Cropp hanging on

for dear life, and oh no! She’s been thrown high,,, What!,,,

Oh my Lord! ,, The yelling idiot who started the whole thing

off in the first place remarkably caught Stella with one arm

and then with the other arm calmly grabbed the reigns of

the bucking Blanche DuBois who immediately settled down

faster than a baby on valium, well I’ve seen some strange

scenes on the racetrack but that one takes the cake, it almost

played out like some sort of crazy surreal scene out of

‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ and I’ll give you the tip, I bet Stella

Cropp will be giving that Brando character a swift kick up the

backside when he finally puts her down, that was crazy, I

think the good Lord must have been watching down as that

was a miracle Stella wasn’t hurt, a miracle!

FRANK

Wow, did you see that!

JOHN

If I didn’t see it I wouldn’t have believed it, that was unbelievable!

FRANK

Ya Dean is unreal! Unreal!

Camera swings around and shows a still shot on the tv screen of the winners circle with a smiling Dean holding a smiling whip cropped to the camera Stella and holding the reigns of a smiling Blanche DuBois with her tongue sticking out. Credits roll to the sound of Jacko, Charlie and Bruno jamming up a riffy rhythmic rock tune of John’s and the idea was to add an instrument every week and on the final episode Sinaman can sing some lyrics to a song now called naturally ‘the beat dreams on’. (Since the show won’t be made a more fitting finale is Crowded House doing an old live version of ‘Don’t Dream it’s Over’. )

EPISODE 2

With their winnings Frank and Dean buy a share off trainer Slim Chance in a unraced 5 year old ‘Musical Phantasy’ gelding called ‘Beat Dreams’ which is bred to stay all day. Sinaman films her head shaking csi scene. Pepper joins an internet dating site. John buys a cheap answerphone off Trade Me. ( Slim Chance was a Kiwi William S. Burroughs type trainer, his training license has now been revoked )

EPISODE 3

Frank is surprised to find they are selling pre loved underpants in a second hand clothing store. Sinaman’s csi scene is cut to give Candy a screaming dying scene. John gets a pair of fancy underpants from a secret internet admirer. (they turned out to be a pair of Dean’s dirty cast offs, small world)

EPISODE 4

John is hassled by the dole office about seeking meaningful employment. Sinaman and Rose audition for a new TVNZ  Mike King sitcom. Pepper dates a comedian who doesn’t turn out to be very funny. John becomes a ‘City Ambassador’. Frank buys a pair of pre loved ‘Calvin Klein’ jeans that are a size to small but immediately enhances his prospects with the ladies twofold.

EPISODE 5

Sinaman and Rose get hissy when they lose out on a part in the sitcom to Candy. Dean’s new betting system dismissed by Frank and John as crazy makes them eat their words. John loses his ‘City Ambassador’ job. ( it was a random drug test after an obnoxious American tourist complained he seemed a bit hazy about the city attractions, who was to know Christchurch was famous for it’s boy racers AND churches!)

EPISODE 6- ON THE ROAD

All the characters pile into Dean’s cab for a road trip to watch Beat Dreams have his first start at a small country track.( through a series of mishaps they arrived at the betting window just a minute before the race only to find out Beat Dreams was scratched, talk about anti climatic )

SERIES 2 ( what the hell was I ever thinking, I blame the drugs! )

EPISODE 1

Trainer Slim Chance reports Beat Dreams beat his star hurdler by 5 lengths in a workout and could be a champion hurdler and a plan is hatched. Dean’s betting system is finally dismissed as crazy. Sinaman auditions for a starring role in a poor man’s Viagra add. Frank gets kicked out of a woman’s book shop for being male. Pepper gets a date with a former All Black hooker. ( turned out he only played one test against Canada )

EPISODE 2

Beat Dreams is transferred to beat Kiwi trainer Wayne Walters in Victoria Australia to be given a few cold runs on the flat. Dean gets John to make up a profile for him on ‘NZ Dating’ site and he is swamped with offers much to John’s chagrin. Sinaman scores poor man Viagra role and a star is born.

EPISODE 3

Wet Pussy flies into town and turns out to be a real air hostess much to John’s surprise though not half as surprised as she is to find out he isn’t much of an actor. Sinaman’s ‘Dog Bones’ add hits the screen and she gets hit on by a score of old horndogs. Dean gives a ride to a TVNZ executive’s trophy wife. ( well helloooooo Karen, hubba hubba, boing! )

EPISODE 4

The bar scores an old Indiana Jones pinball machine and there is fierce competition to be crowned after hours champion which is won by an outsider, Canadian comic Craig Campbell eh. ‘Dog Bones’ are taken off the market after they are found to also have a very powerful laxative effect.

EPISODE 5

Pepper’s dreams cum true when Daryl Hall walks in the bar and does the meanest version ever of ‘Maneater’ for her. ( I hate those bastard Conchords for stealing my idea to use Daryl Hall in a Kiwi comedy.) Be sure to check out Daryl Hall’s website and watch his internet show ‘Live From Daryl’s House’, it has funny stories, great characters, and fantastic live music, this is way better than crappy tv! Thank you Al Gore, you rock!

EPISODE 6- A DAY AT THE RACES

All the characters arrive in Australia to watch Beat Dreams first hurdle start in Seymour Victoria. Watch out bookies the sting is on and every beat Kiwi entertainer living in Australia is going to get wind of it but mums the word. There’s also betting on the NZ TAB so most of the other characters in the show end up at the bar to watch the race with their last dollars on the nose.