The beat dreams on

April 20, 2012



the beat dreams on

A comedy about a crazy beat bar and the funny characters it attracts.




DEAN CASSIDY– 27- Beat drummer and now fast ‘Moonlight Cab’ driver. Energetic, fast talking, excitable, gambling, womanizing conman. Is one crazy character that captivates almost everyone he meets especially women which is handy as he is a libido legend. Is kind of like a Kiwi Dean Moriarty from Jack Kerouac’s ‘On the Road’ and just one very very excitable boy!!


FRANK CUMMINGS– 35- Beat comic and now barman. Fast, funny and hip and is New Zealand`s top mimic and also holds the dubious distinction of being its most immature 35 year old.


PEPPER BURNS– 33- Beat actor and now barmaid. Witty and Sarcastic dark haired Vixen whose favourite song is Hall and Oate’s “Maneater”. Watch out Boy she will Chew you Up!


JOHN SLACK– 36- Beat guitarist and now “between jobs”. Found internet chat four months ago and with his bent wit and fast typing skills has turned into like an internet Dean with more crazy women after him that he can shake his mouse at. In the ‘New Zealand Dictionary’ under the definition of slack there is a blurry picture of a half undressed John being rudely awoken on his couch by his hungry cat at noon.


SINAMAN FLOWERS– 25- Aspiring actor and waitress at the bar. Sassy wisecracking blonde bombshell whose ‘Facebook’ profile says it all, “Fun sexy crazy girl- enter at own risk!”


JACKO– Old American beat jazz pianist who now owns and manages the bar. Is never seen but can be heard playing piano and yelling out crazy jazz talk over the mic. Bought the bar twenty odd years ago after winning Lotto and is such a legend in musician circles not only for his great playing but also as the funniest ever musical raconteur he has turned the place into the best musician bar in the world.


BIRD – Jacko’s old skinny black dog that is rarely seen but can be heard sometimes barking melody lines with the music like a crazed sax player, always on the beat or just slightly in front or behind it, he is a jazz dog.


BIG AL– John’s unseen cat that got his name because he says his name when he meows. Is a legend for never being able to say no to drugs. Loves music especially Pink Floyd, Bob Marley, and Al Stewart for some reason.




‘the beat’– Old beat tucked away bar that decor hasn’t changed much in twenty years since Jacko bought it except there is now a stage with a piano, drums, bass amp, two guitar amps, and around the bar are framed 8 by 12 black and white smiling photos taken by Jacko of some of his favourite entertainers that have spent a night in the bar including Dizzy Gillespie, Sun Ra, Oscar Peterson, Ray Charles, Chet Baker and Gerry Mulligan, Stan Getz, Buddy Rich and Mel Torme, Steve Allen, Jaco Pastorious, Sarah Vaughan, Anita O Day, Ella Fitzgerald, Peggy Lee, Nina Simone, Emily Remler and Eva Cassidy, Etta James and Whitney Houston, Johnny Cash and June Carter, Larry Knechtel and Nicky Hopkins, Dudley Moore and Peter Cook, George Harrison, Joe Strummer, Richard Manuel and Rick Danko, Stevie Ray Vaughan, Les Paul, Frank Zappa, Jerry Garcia, Warren Zevon, Kurt Cobain, Jeff Buckley, George Carlin, Bill Hicks and Sam Kinison, Mitch Hedburg, Spike Milligan, Douglas Adams, Kurt Vonnegut, Ken Kesey, Hunter S. Thompson, Rod Serling, Dylan Taite, David Lange, Billy T. James, Howard Morrison Trio, Ricky May and Tommy Adderley, Prince Tui Teka and Delvanius, Bruno Lawrence and Charlie Tumahai, Kevin Smith, Marc Hunter and Paul Hewson, Mahinarangi Tocker, Pauly Feumana, Ian Morris, Paul Hester, Grant McLennan, Aussie Rugby League star Peter Jackson, Darren Tyquin, and some unknown “others”.


JOHN’S LOUNGE– Old flat with beat furniture, old big screen computer and TV, old Martin d18 acoustic guitar, congas, tea chest bass, the TV is always on ‘ALT TV’ music station with sound through the stereo. Sometimes can be a bit messy with 2 or 3 used coffee cups and other “stuff”. On the walls are old beat movie posters of ‘A Hard Day’s Night’, ‘The Blues Brothers’, and one of the Marx Brothers smoking a hookah. (Congas were Dean’s for jamming with John, tea chest bass was Frank’s, guitar was there for musicians to pop in and play it, talk about a beat stage for Kiwi music)


*Episode 1- A Racehorse Named Blanche-
Pepper has to play loving daughter at the airport to a fair dinkum Aussie bloke for her dear mother. Sinaman auditions for a sassy Brazilian blonde role in a new CSI show. Dean picks up a female jockey with a hot tip and even hotter whip. Frank loses his phone sex virginity while John’s internet stud career starts the steady road of fast decline. Long shot Blanche DuBois comes in and the boys are temporarily rich.


act 1




We can hear a piano, bass, and drums thumping out such a jazzed up version of “Angela” the theme song from ‘Taxi’ that it’s barely recognizable. A ‘Moonlight Cab’ screeches to a halt outside and honks horn five times. Out of the bar walks Frank and camera follows him into the cab. On the cab radio is Dave Dobbyn and Herbs singing “Slice of Heaven” with Dean beating out a mad rhythm on the dashboard. Inside cab is smoky and Frank takes a suspicious sniff.



High oh Frankie! Greetaroonie!



Cheers Stoned Ranger, hey Pepper needs a ride too,

she’ll be out in a sec.



Ah yes yes would love to give Pepper a ride, she’s so

hot she would burn, hehe, yes yes, what’s happened

to ahh,, ole what’s his name?



There is no more ole what’s his name, ole what’s his

name is now called, “Who the Bloody Hell cares!”, haha



Yes yes great news! Great news! Yass! Yassarooni!



I knew that goss would excite you, you horny old boy you.


DEAN (Breaks into Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Boy” chorus)

Yes yes Frankie that’s me!,,” Just an Excitable Boy!,,

Whooo Waa Hoo,,, (HONKS HORN TWICE), Excitable Boy!”

,,Yes! Oh man! I’m a prayin that Sweet Sin wants a ride too,

yes yes, ahhh Frankie, I imagine a poor boy could die tragically

hard an still wake up in Heaven with a wicked ear to ear grin

after experiencing the Ultimate Pleasure, of devouring multiple

slices of Sweet Sweet Sinaman n Pepper Piiiie, yum yum,

ahhh yes, would be like partaking in the purest form,

of a totally uncut, medicinal quality only, taste of puuuure

adult rated Heavvvveeeeeeeennnnnn


FRANK ( interupts )

Well I hate to break your fantasy God Boy, but Sweet

Sinaman had another “woman’s problem” sickie, that

must be like her third or fourth this month already.



Damn those ole women problems, they can be such a

pain sometimes, hehe, yes yes,



Ya they’re unreal.,, Boy, the woman that thought of that

excuse for getting off work was total genius, just tell em

I got “woman’s problem”, and it’s like,( POSH ACCENT)

“Oh, well, take a few days off if you have to, but please,

just spare us Any details”,



Yes yes that’s right, that’s right, sick women have it way

too bloody easy, heh heh,



Ya they’ve got it made, that has to be the greatest sickie

excuse of all time. If only some smart guy had thought of

a good man’s problem, we got ripped off badly when it

comes to sick excuses.



Yes, yes, sicko women, they just don’t know how lucky

they are Frankie, don’t know how lucky they are,



They’re bloody lucky all right.,, Be great if I could ring Jacko

up and tell him I can’t make it in cause I got “Man’s Problem”,

after he stops laughing he’s going to inform me,( AMERICAN ACCENT)

“Frank o, get your stoned hung over aaass in here boy o,

cause you know, there ain’t a nooo such animal, as a

maaan’s flu, now, can ya dig dat, mista slack o?”, haha



Yes yes yes! I should be using that women’s problem

excuse myself, for it seems, and I have this from a few

reliable sources, and also, a couple of say SLIGHTLY

unreliable ones, hee hee, that I just can’t seem to get

enough of dem ole women problems, hey hey, hehe, yes, yes,



Haha ya you’re lucky, you got good woman problems,

I got crappy woman problems, I got none, haha.



Guess you’ll be sniffing around Pepper now there is

no more ole what’s his name hey?



Pepper,, na, a relationship and having to work together

would be way too much, that would be like, haha,

marriage, haha,,Yikes!



Yes yes marriage, the most despicable, detestable, and

Yet, Surprisingly,, the most Curable disease known to man, heh heh,


Pepper comes out of bar on phone looking a bit mad as she jumps in cab.



All right my limo is here, I have to take off,,, will do,,bye.


Cab takes off fast



Wow late night call, was that, “who the Bloody Hell

cares”?, haha



Worse, that was my Dear mother who I hadn’t heard

from in Ages and I just Foolishly agreed to play Loving

Daughter for her and the latest Sucker at the airport,

there goes my happy Bloody Monday.



So what, you and old mumsie don’t get on that well?



My Mother, bless her dear soul, is a Tight Lipped born

again Anglican whose most Expressive means of

communication is a Disdainful Sniff, and Who, in my

Teenage years,(SHUDDERS) resorted to writing her most

Fevered Thoughts on notes which she Slipped into my

Undies drawer, so yes, we get along like cats on an

ice cold tin roof.



Haha ya sounds, haha



MmmNice, slipping notes in your undies drawer that

sounds fun, yes, yes, were there ever any sexual type

notes, pray tell? , hey hey,



Why yes, as a matter of fact, the last one she ever wrote

was, it said, “Do Not, under Any circumstances, EVER,

have a fling with a Mad taxi driver, he will Drive You,

CRAAAZY!”, and,, she emphasized Craaazy by

misspelling it in Giant red capitals, followed, by five

HUGE Yellow exclamation marks.



Haha, sounds like she knew you Dean haha.



Yes, yes, I think I might remember her, tight lipped did

you say?, heh heh,



Frank, will you do me a favour?



Ya sure what?



If you ever catch me in a weak moment getting so

Desperately Deranged I Ever get involved with a Taxi

driver, I Pepper Burns, here by do authorize you to

purchase a gun for the express purpose of shooting

me to put me and my Dear loving mother out of all

our eternal Misery and damnation.



Hey no worries there, I already own a gun.



What you have a Gun, really?



Oh ya, real big one too,, but you better wear a

tshirt cause it’s just a water gun, haha.


DEAN (Excited and honks horn twice)

Yes yes wet Tshirt! Ahhh, can I have a shot, would

love to shoot over Pepper, yes yes, I can even use

my own gun, tee hee,



Over my dead body! Getting shot over by a Taxi

driver would Drive me Completely CRAAAZY,, closely

followed, by a Plethora of Gigantic exclamation marks.



Hey you’re very punctuating tonight, you getting

“woman’s problem”?, haha



No! I’m blaming my mother, she reminded me of a Bad

Period of my life,, the Teenage years.(shudders)



Ahh the teenage years, best damn twenty years of my

life, hey,



Hell, I wish I could still Remember my teenage years, haha



Excuse me Dean, you just shot right through my turn off!,, My

mother warned me about you mad driving Taxi Drivers.


Cab skids to a stop at lights.



Ahhh,, yes yes off course, I thought you had moved,

but I remember now, that was someone else, ahem,

yes, yes, that’s right that’s right, Sharon



Well That’s a Very feasible excuse. I must apologize

Profusely on my mother’s behalf forever Doubting

your most Noblest of Noble intentions.



Ahh, yes, well, tell your mother, I do accept her heart

felt apology, With, no Hard Feeling attached, hehe,



That’s Very generous of you, I’m sure she will be

EXTREMELY Relieved to hear that.



Haha ya I bet, haha


Frank smiles at Dean getting caught and Pepper gives him a knowing smirk in the mirror. Dean smiles and winks at her through the mirror and Pepper sticks out her tongue at him just as light turns green and cab does a wheel skidding u-turn, cut. Writers note- I thought you are supposed to have sexual tension in a comedy so that first scene had a bit or maybe just a tad more than a bit depending on what bit you look at. (wow deep note)






Frank is watching computer cams and TV is on ‘ALT TV’ playing “Computer Games” by Misex. John enters and hands Frank a cup of coffee. John has a Homer Simpson “D’oh” cup.



Cheers poor boy.,, So how are all your hot computer babes?



Too good, I’ve got women problems big time, I’m

turning into like this internet Dean and I don’t know

how he does it, all this juggling is going to be the death

of me, though, I guess there are lot Worse ways to go.



Damn, I must be the only one without woman problems

these days, my life Sucks big time haha.



Yea well get out on the internet, there are plenty of

women with problems on there, I tell you.



Na, I’m scared I would get addicted and lose my job

and turn into a dirty unemployed disgusting internet

pervert like you, hahaha



Yea, well,, those are the good points, there’s probably

some bad ones too, I just haven’t found any yet.


Phone rings



Wow late night call.



Damn,, Hey could you get that, and if it’s an American

woman, just tell her,, ummm,, I had to go to Australia

for an audition, and I’ll be gone about a week.



Audition? What are you auditioning for, Australia’s

Biggest Loser? Haha



No way! It’s for a,, a new Rusty Crowe romantic

comedy, I’m up for role of his funny best friend. (Cheesy smile)



And since When have you become an actor?



I was in ‘Lord of the Rings’ remember.



Oh ya I forgot, as the only extra who got left on the

cutting room floor, your acting was waaaay

overlooked in that movie my friend, haha



Yea well it’s the internet, everyone exaggerates a bit,

that call is from Wet Pussy, a 29 year old air hostess

from New York who just can’t get enough,



Wet Pussy! wow, what a great name!



Yea I thought so too, mighty hard to beat Wet

Pussy when it cums to sexy nics, I’ll give her that.



So she’s an air hostess, for real?



Yeaaa, she flies all over the place, you should pick the

phone up and try some phone sex, it’s crazy, I’ve even

got some lines made up in case you get stuck for ideas.


John rifles over messy desk for piece of paper with his “good” beginners lines on.



Wow, you got your own lines, I’m impressed.



Hey, I’m an actor, what more can I say?


Frank is just about to pick up phone when it stops ringing.



Oh damn I waited too long, I’d love to score an air

hostess, they are like my fantasy, the perfect woman,

I bet They never have any problems.



Don’t worry she’ll ring back soon, she’s relentless.



And so how come you want to get rid of her anyways?



I just can’t afford all this phone sex, I’m always having

to fake it now, luckily,, I’m a Very good actor.



So why can’t you afford it? Does she ring collect or something?



No way! I’m not that stupid, or rich, it’s just I have to save

myself for the cam girls now, I can’t afford to waste my

love potion on the phone, I’m not as young as I once was

you know and it’s real hard to fake on cam, I’ll give you the tip,


FRANK ( interupts )

Hey hey Slow Down stud boy, that’s WAY more than I wanted

to know, you’re going to give me nightmares now!


John laughs. Phone rings again.


JOHN (Points at phone)

See! Relentless! (laughs)


John gives Frank his paper of “good” lines.


FRANK (reading lines)

Wow, these look good lines, did you write these?



I wish, I stole them from the internet,, think Al Gore

must have wrote them.


FRANK (reading lines)

Wow,, no wonder he got an Oscar, these are some Hot

lines,, Wow! haha,



Yea 8 and 9 are the best, see I marked them with red

Asterix, I usually save them for an encore, they are

every girl’s Wildest wet dream,, guaranteed.



Haha ya good lines, wow, haha, Those are UNreal!,,


Gidday, Kiwi Actors Studio, Rusty speaking,,


Rusty Crowe was a Kiwi who now acts like an Aussie but if he wins an Oscar again he quickly reverts back to being Kiwi until he stars in his next romantic comedy or makes another rusty rock album (God forbid) or starts throwing phones again.






Sinaman sits down opposite 35 year old B minus grade agent Willy B. Mann. There is a poster of Kevin Sorbo as ‘Hercules’ on wall. On office stereo is The Verlaines singing “Death of a Maiden”.



Well Sinaman, sorry about sending you on that tampon ad,

when they said you needed to ride, silly me was thinking bike,

rather than horse.



Ya tampon ads are a stupid Bloody joke. I’ve only ever

ridden two horses in my whole life, one was a big grey

stallion on a broken down merry go round and the other

was this huge black bass player from Canada, who went

by the name of Mister Ed, and, on Both occasions, it

wasn’t even THAT time of month.



Ohhh Mister Ed sounds fun, was he hung like a horse too?



Sadly yes, like a drunken seahorse, he just had a thing for

saddles, his motto was “have saddle, will travel”, so I grabbed

my whip and took a ride to the kitchen and back, I was hungry.



Ohhhh kinky, he sure sounds fun to HORSE around with,(GRINS)

well, anyways, good news, I have got a part here that is

just perfect for you, they are doing a new local CSI

series and there is a role for a 25 year old sassy blonde

with problems, who gets murdered on a cricket pitch,



K that’s me! I’m sassy, I’m blonde, I don’t have any

problems but close enough! That role was almost

made for me, quick Willy, get us an audition!



Already done, AND, I dated the casting director, just

before we both switched sides funnily enough,(SMILES),

soooo, I think the part could be yours as Stella owes me,

AND, it will be a fantastic start to your reel,, “Sinaman

Flowers STARRED, as the maiden, in ‘Maiden Bowled Over’,

on New Zealand’s TOP rated CSI show”,, Hellooo Wellywoood.



Gee I’m the star! K how many pages of lines have I got?



Well actually no pages, it’s a non-speaking role, BUT,, as

non-speaking roles gooo,, this, Has to be the Rooolls Royce,



K don’t tell me,, I play a vamped up, tarty Helen Keller type?



Noooo, but close, you are found in the opening scene by a

schoolboy cricket team in the middle of a cricket pitch,

dead with no visible signs of injury, other, than a

cricket ball shoved in your mouth, and then later, on

the autopsy table


SINAMAN ( interupts )

Like what I just play dead and that’s it? Not even a stupid

bloody death scene?



Sadly no bloody death scene, BUT, you are bound to

attract plenty of attention, as not only are you in the

two scenes, but the detectives then show your glossy

6 by 4 bikini shot to a few sleazy bar patrons in a few

more scenes, so as non-speaking roles go, this one is

SURE to be a Real crowd pleaser.



Ya, well I can’t see why a crowd will be pleased at

seeing me dead.



Yes well here’s the kicker, when the schoolboys find you,

you are completely naked other than a pair of strategic

cricket pads and a g-string, sooo, if maybe by next week

you can lose a few pounds and get a Brazilian, that Part

has your name Written all over it.



Brazilian! Why do I need a Brazilian to play a dead

blonde? They don’t bend my g-string on TV do they?



No no of course not, it’s just they said the autopsy is quite

authentic and TVNZ have a Very strict policy about showing

pubes, so a Brazilian is required.



But my mum warned me never get a Brazilian or I’ll

never want a kid, and Personally, I don’t mind a bit of

pain here and there, just providing, it’s not mine.



No no that’s an old wives tale, these days they have

Much cooler wax and you will hardly notice it at all, I

promise, I even had one done last week, you want to see?



Hell no Willy!



Don’t worry, It’s not my front, I’m not THAT brave,(GRINS)

it’s the back, my last lover used to call me monkey Mann

behind my back so I’ve had that problem fixed, now, I’m

smooother than a monkey’s baaaby back there, see.


Willy gets up and turns around and pulls pants down and shirt up just a little. Sinaman screams and then acts blind.



Oh God the glare, the glare,, Oh my Gawd!,, Help!,, Help me

I’m blind,, I can’t see,, Help!,,


WILLY (Over shoulder)

Ohh, are we turning into a comedienne now?


SINAMAN (Talks louder as she’s now acting deaf too)

Hellooo!,, Has anybody seen my blind dog?,, Blind Melon Lemon! Can you hear me boy?,,



Here I am, bow wow wow!


Cut as sneaky Willy starts dropping his trousers to moon and hear a beat of a real Sinaman scream.




INTERIOR OF ‘the beat’.

After-hours at the bar with Pepper and Frank behind bar and John, Sinaman, and Dean at bar, everybody has beers except Dean who has coffee and is watching music. Hear a piano, drums, and bass playing such a bopped up version of the theme song from ‘Cheers’ it is just recognizable. After hours bar talk has rapid fire dialogue.



Hey did Frank tell you the good news?



No, what good news?



Frank is no longer a phone sex virgin, he scored one

of my cast offs, a 29 year old air hostess from New York

called Wet Pussy who just can’t get enough, and, he

did pretty damn good for a virgin.



And what were you listening? Or did you play Wet Pussy?



No way! I was coaching him, I gave him all my good

lines, I scored him seven point one four out of ten,

I had to deduct points for laughing while he came and

forgetting about the encore lines.



Oh ya I’m still kicking myself for forgetting those encore

lines, they were the best lines by far, they were UNreal!



Well give them to us now Frank, we girls just Love hearing

UNreal Phony encores.



No way! Those are secret man lines reserved for internet

studs like me and Frank only.



Ya I like the feeling of internet stud, I might even have

to score a computer now, haha



Gee I can’t believe there’s still such a thing as a thirty

five year old phone sex virgin, I must live in such a cruel

sheltered world.



Yea they should be making a movie about Frank.



Well if they do, I’m sure not going to have you

playing my funny best friend. (Cheesy smile at John)



Yes yes I remember my first phone sex, It was my

fifteenth birthday and she was quite a bit older, heh heh,

yes, yes, she was my high school biology teacher and

man o man, did Ms West did teach me sooo much, hee hee,



Wow unreal! Phone sex at fifteen with your biology

teacher, they should be making the movie about you,

you are living my dreams!



Gee teachers must have a thing about breaking in

virgin phone sexers, my first was my drama teacher,

she almost turned me half lesbian.



Wow I take that back, YOU are living my dreams! Haha.



Yea mine too, so what did this teacher look like?



K a bit like,, a pregnant Madonna, only,, way way

sexier, and black.





John and Dean smirk at each other for stealing their line.



And what about you Pepper, are you a phone sex

virgin? Cause if you are, my mate John here has

some great lines ready to break you in, haha.



Well as Tempting as that offer is, I’m ashamed to

Admit I lost my phone virginity about ten years ago

and enjoyed it so much, I proceeded to have it about

five thousand times over the next few years, although,

I must admit, I DID have to fake quite a lot.



Wow! What an addict! You’re worse than John, haha.



Yes, I Quickly became addicted to listening to anonymous

suckers pleasure themselves while I whispered Sweet

Nothings into their ear piece for a mere ninety nine cents

per minute, I miss those days as a smooth operator, it was

Pretty well paid and in a strange way, almost Romantic.



Gee getting paid for phone sex sounds my kind of job,

I’m great at sexy acting, just ask my drama teachers and

last two boyfriends,, oh yes Yes YEEES,, oh, My, GAAAWD,,



Not bad, I give it a seven point, O sixty nine,






Oy! That was just my beginning Mister Generosity,

you have to Pay to hear the ending and believe me,

I am WELL worth your money.



Sounds good, you take cheques?



From a poor old unemployed musician? Dream on Mister.



Hey what’s with this old bit, I still play a young stud on

PervTalk I’ll have you know.



Ya, in the blue hair rooms.


Sinaman was the one that told John about ‘PervTalk’ and is still cursing the day she did.



Yea, well, some blue hair women can be pretty hot you know, just ask Homer J. Simpson.



So let’s hear some of your sordid blue internet Love stories then, Homer John.






Yes you would have loved that job, most of the

operators were all out of work actors and we had

such good times, until that CREEP Al Gore had to ruin

it all by inventing the internet so all the Disgusting

Horn DOGS, started to get free phone sex from cheap,

On Line, shameless BITCH hussies,, isn’t that right,

Frankie and Johnny?



Ruff Ruff!!


BIRD (voice only )

Ruff Ruff Ruff!!!



Watch out, I think Bird’s in love haha


JOHN (Looks just below camera)

Down boy down. I’m not THAT kind of dog.


FRANK (Elvis like)

Ya Bird,, John ain’t nothing but a HORN dog,,


DEAN (At Bird, Elvis like)

Wankin all the time!


BIRD (Voice only, laughing bark)

Ruff ruff Ruff ruff ruff.


In background song has ended and hear small audience applause and the band laughing as that was the craziest ever version of the ‘Cheers’ song. Jacko was such a huge fan of ‘Cheers’ he bought his very own beat bar, his favourite character was Coach. Jacko starts jazzing around with the opening melody of “Classical Gas” on piano as he talks to Pepper. (The writer of “Classical Gas” Mason Williams won three Grammys for that song and an Emmy the very same year for comedy writing for ‘The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour’. Now that’s a record that won’t be broke!)


JACKO ( voice only )

Yo Pepper!



Yo Jacko!


JACKO ( v.o.)

Ya know now you is on da prowl again gal o, da boys

here in d rhythm section would like it be known, that

even though us ole cats mightn’t Quite cut da Mustard

like we once could as pups, we now SUUURE do know

how to lick dat jar clean gal, Oh yaaaa, goda diiiiiig dat

sweeeet mustard, mmmmm ain’t dat right, mista Bruno

and Charlie o?


BRUNO (voice only drummer and two bass drum beats)



CHARLIE (deep voice only bass player with two bass beats)

We dig!


BRUNO ( v.o. with bass drum beat )



CHARLIE ( v.o. with bass beat )




Well I’m sorry boys,, but Musturd,, gives me Gas.


Beat and then hear the band laugh and a bass and drum “boom boom”.


JACKO ( v.o )

Pepper you is classic gal, you is da gas!, Hah Hah Hah!


Hear Jacko play a few bars of “Classical Gas” and then drum and bass join in and it quickly swings into a crazed version of Paul Desmond’s “Take 5”. Bruno and Charlie are New Zealand’s tightest rhythm section as they have been playing together forever and are also well known for their zany sense of humour as at a drop of a note they can suddenly burst into like this hip Abbott and Costello musical comedy team playfully bickering under the beat over who’s the straight guy. The characters all look at stage entranced by the music and phone rings. Pepper picks it up.



Wow late night call!



Good morning,,, yes just a minute I’ll get him,, Frank,

it’s for you, a Very Sexy sounding woman.






Sexy sounding woman, uh oh, I hope it ain’t mumsie,,.

Hi,, Wet Pussy! How did you get,, sorry, FRAN,, well

speak of the devil, bad Bart just walked in,, hang on a sec,,


Frank cups phone and looks over at John who is snickering, then goes over to hand him phone.



It’s for you Homer, I think it’s Marge.



No way I’m not here, that’s your woman problemo,

Wet likes Rusty!


John exits snickering doing the Groucho Walk. Frank places phone on bar for John’s return.



Quick Frank now’s your chance, give her John’s Infamous

UNreal encore lines.



Ya and say them like you really mean them, Wet Pussy wants feeling.



Hey here’s an even better idea,, how about You try to

turn Wet Pussy into Half a lesbian. (Smiles at Sinaman)



Now THERE’S a Cunning idea.(Smiles at Sinaman)


We hear a Paul Desmond like sax start up which captures all the characters attention even bringing John rushing back as Dean jumps up and down and shakes his head in pure excitement.



Yes, Yes, Paularooni!,, Blow it man, BLOW!


Hear another five seconds of music with all the characters watching enthralled and then hear Wet Pussy yelling over the phone.


WET PUSSY (Fran Drescher like voice only)

HELLOOO,, is anybody there?,,,,,,, HELL


We hear Bird join Paul and bark a few bars just a fraction of a beat behind his melody line as this is one of Bird’s favourite songs and he knows it like the back of his front paw.



Go Birdie GO!,, Yass Yass YASS!


Cut as John slyly hangs up phone. Bird then went on to trade 16 choruses with Paul never missing a beat before Paul threw his hands in the air and ran to the bar for a double scotch while Bird barked out one more definitive chorus before graciously handed the lead over to Jacko then bowing to a standing ovation and a Whiskey Milk Punch from Paul. (Writers note) If you want to read the funniest story of a bad gig ever, Google, ‘Paul Desmond, How many are in the quartet’, as not only was Paul a great sax player and wit but he was also one damn funny comedy writer. Next week a comic who sounded suspiciously a lot like Bill Hicks was in and did this killer set about drugs and music that literally had the whole bar shaking at the rafters with laughter.






Pepper and Sinaman are walking down street mall carrying shopping when Sinaman spots a wooden sidewalk sign for ‘Stella’s Beauty Therapy’ “Opening Special!!! HALF PRICE BRAZILIANS, only 22 BUCKS!!!!!”. On street ahead a few shops up is ‘A Shoe Shop Named Desire’ with stereo speakers outside blasting out “There is no Depression in New Zealand” by Blam Blam Blam.



Gee look, half price Brazilians, k I might be brave and

book in tomorrow, I’ve heard they are ultra-cool.



A Brazilian ultra-Cool? Are you Crazy?



Ya, but I’m still not registered.



I had a Brazilian on a dare about ten years ago and it

almost Killed me, then, after being Snidely informed by

the Butch Waxer, “That was Nothing compared to giving

birth my dear”, I vowed right there I will Never have a

kid unless my future Rich Husband wants to buy an

adopted one, and even then, I will Insist he keeps it if

we divorce but still have to pay me a very Generous

monthly support bill, for my Emotional distress and

Brazilian Pool boy.



Gee sure wish I had a Brazilian pool boy, I’m too lazy

to even blow mine up.



So have you ever had a Brazilian?



Yup just one, he was a soccer playing flamingo guitarist

from Rio De Janeiro with a one word name, and boy, did

we have a ball, but nope, I’m a Brazilian wax virgin but I

have to get one to play that stupid dead blonde.



You need a Brazilian to play a stupid blonde? What, are

you going to be Completely Naked or something?



Not quite, I’ll be wearing strategic cricket pads and panties

but TVNZ has this stupid policy about showing no pubes, the

pain a girl must do to get on TV these days.



You’re an actor, just have a Shave and act Brazilian.



K guess I should do that, would save a lot of pain and

could even want a rug rat one day, double win chance,,

truth is,, the thought of pain scares me that much I nearly

fainted when my painted on tatt washed away, I

splashed out a whole wet week of winter tips on that

Stupid smiley Starfish!



Ouch, that had to hurt.,, Oh Look! Shoes! Half price!



Oh My Gawd! Hold on shoes,, I’m a cumin!


They both quickly search through purse and take out their shiny brand new ‘No Name’ credit card and smile at it for a beat. They then touch cards together like they are going into battle and then lovingly kiss them goodbye.





They charge the shoe shop and momentarily get stuck in the door together. Enter scene walking down the street is Frank and John licking ice cream cones when John spots the sign. They then continue walking past the shoe shop.



Hey look opening special, Brazilians half price only

twenty two bucks, you should go in for a cheap sexual thrill.



Haha ya right,, I bet Stella is probably like some big

sadistic lesbian, that would be like their perfect job,

can ya imagine the fights to get that job eh?, haha


JOHN (Licks ice cream between lines as face gets messier and messier)

Yea yea you’re right, that IS the Perfect job.,, Even I’D

be happy to get Up in the morning for THAT,, where can I

apply I want it,, Hell,, I’m even willing to work for next

to nothing,, maybe,, even pay Stella a little,,



Haha ya what a job, I bet it would be hard for a guy to

get in that line of work though, I would hate to see the

waiting lists, haha.



Maybe if I act gay I could get in.



Oh ya right,, but then how long could you stay in character for?


Couple of beats as John licks ice cream suggestively and thinks. Around mouth is now covered with ice cream.



Good point.,,, Darling.


note- Christchurch readers, if any, might recognize Stella’s as its on Cashel Street Mall and a few doors down from a shoe shop but naturally I couldn’t set the show in Christchurch so it was set nowhere but I guess Wellington would have been good too if it wasn’t for all those windy hot aired politicians and their blowhard Hurricanes. (Late update- Both these shops were destroyed in the earthquake and the mall is now mostly made up of shipping containers doubling as shops)





Cab has stopped at a red light and seated in the back seat is 22 year old jockey Stella Cropp. On radio is The Flight of The Conchords singing “Business Time”.



So you a bit of a jockey hey?



Yes how could you tell, was it my demure stature, or

the saddle and whips?



All three, hee hee,, Hay!, I got it!,, Stella Cropp, third

leading apprentice, you ride one of my ole faves

‘Blanche DuBois’, right?



Yes that’s right, you sure know your horses don’t you?



Yes, yes, I love the ponies and off course, I’m also a

HUGE fan of sexy female jockeys, personally speaking,

ahem, there’s nothing more stimulating than watching

a sexy jockey mount her horse, then yell, Giddy Up BOY!, hehe,



Well it’s funny you mentioned Blanche DuBois, because

I’m riding her next Sunday and if it’s a dry track she

could be a good chance at good odds.



Yes yes but I thought Blanche likes it wet, she won in the

mud about a year ago and paid forty two bucks and

Man o Man, was that one CRAAAZY night!,(Shakes head)



Yes well she’s an eight year old now and for some

reason she doesn’t like it wet anymore, I think it must be

a hormone thing as she’s now in foal to ‘Desert Prince’

and this might even be her last race.



Yes yes right right I will be praying for no rain as I would

love to see Blanche go out on a high note, yes I can feel

a big win coming on, oh yes yes she is going to win and

you will hear me yell, Hey STEEEELLLLAAAAA!



Holy cow! You sure yell that good! I’m just reading a Marlon

Brando biography that my mum gave me, he was a wild one.



Really! Oh man, he is my fave actor of all time, I would

love to see that book, maybe even borrow it after you

have finished, then perhaps, we can form a book club

and discuss it, all the while off course, toasting Blanche

DuBois sterling last race victory at nearly 42 to one, yes

yes Blanche, go girl GO!



Well if you want a look I guess you can come in for a

coffee and fondle the cover, if you wanted to that is?



Do I want to! Hell! How could a mere mortal man resist

having coffee and a bookie fondle with the sexiest jockey

in the whole country, maybe even southern hemisphere,

and I bet, odds on for northern too, oh Lord, pinch me

if I’m a dreamin.


Stella pinches him hard and shows him the whip.



Now you better be a good boy as I don’t want to have

use this whip now, do I?



Only if you want a ride, hay hay hay,


Stella smacks him hard on shoulder with the whip.



Giddy up BOY!,, It’s business time.


Light turns green and Dean shakes head and whinnies then floors it with a smile on his and Stella’s face.




Pilot- A Racehorse Named Blanche
Pepper has to play loving daughter at the airport to a fair dinkum Aussie bloke for her dear mother. Sinaman auditions for a Brazilian blonde role in a new CSI show. Dean picks up a female jockey with a hot tip and even hotter whip. Frank loses his phone sex virginity while John’s internet stud career starts the steady road of fast decline. Long shot Blanche DuBois comes in and the boys are temporarily rich.

EPISODE 2 -With their winnings Frank and Dean buy a share off trainer Slim Chance in a unraced 5 year old ‘Musical Phantasy’ gelding called ‘Beat Dreams’ which is bred to stay all day. Sinaman films her head shaking CSI scene. Pepper joins an internet dating site and is swamped with offers. John buys a cheap answerphone off Trade Me to help keep his internet stud career alive. (Slim Chance was a Kiwi William S. Burroughs type trainer, his training license has now been revoked)

EPISODE 3- Frank is surprised to find they are selling preloved underpants in a second hand clothing store. Sinaman’s head shaking CSI scene is cut to give Candy a screaming dying scene. Pepper scores a date with a former All Black hooker. (Turned out he only played one test against Canada) John gets some sexy underpants from a secret internet admirer who he narrows it down to being Wet Pussy or Sinaman. (They turn out to be a pair of Dean’s dirty cast offs, small world eh.) Pepper and Sinaman receive their first ‘No Name’ credit card bill and start calling their cards all sorts of names.

EPISODE 4John is hassled by the dole office about seeking meaningful employment. Sinaman and Rose audition for a new TVNZ Mike King sitcom. Pepper dates a comedian who doesn’t turn out to be very funny. John is forced into training to become a ‘City Ambassador’. Frank buys a pair of preloved ‘Calvin Klein’ jeans that are a size to small but immediately enhances his prospects with the ladies twofold. Dean gets John to make up a profile for him on ‘NZ Dating’ site and he is immediately swamped with offers much to John’s chagrin.

EPISODE 5Sinaman and Rose get hissy when they lose out on a part in the TVNZ sitcom to Candy. Dean’s new betting system dismissed by Frank and John as crazy makes them temporarily eat their words. Pepper gives up internet dating and joins Facebook. Dean’s internet dating career gets off to a flying start with a funny Canadian air hostess. John loses his ‘City Ambassador’ job. (It was a random drug test after an obnoxious American tourist complained he seemed a bit hazy about the city attractions. Who was to know Christchurch was famous for its boy racers, gardens AND churches.)

EPISODE 6- ON THE ROADAll the characters pile into Dean’s cab for a road trip to watch Beat Dreams have his first start at a small country track like Reefton. (Through a series of mishaps they arrived at the betting window just a minute before the race only to find out Beat Dreams was a late scratching, talk about anti climatic.)

SERIES 2 (What the hell was I ever thinking?)

The whole pilot and 12 episode synopsis is available at



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