Kiwi Python comedy sketch

January 19, 2010

This is a Monty Python inspired character sketch in which a man applies for a job he is totally unqualified for. It plays fast like a dream just in case there are any crazed animators out there who think it could work for that Mashpit comedy thing.

one very wooden double walker triple sir running gag
Shot of ‘Willy Winslow’ a cocky dole employment officer walking into office reading ‘Best Bets’ and carrying a large cup of ‘Tarbucks’ coffee . Clock says 9.11. He sculls coffee, shakes body, and grabs a paper from the huge intray and goes to the door and calls out.

WILLY
Frank O’ Sullivan!

In walks big man.

FRANK
At your service, Sir! ( does military salute )

WILLY
Of Whitehorse Drive?

FRANK
Yes that is my current place of abode, the dwelling I
lovingly refer to close friends as my latest in a long
list of thrifty rental agreements.

WILLY
Well have a seat soldier, I didn’t QUITE expect you to
be so big.

FRANK
And why is that squire?

WILLY
Because it says on your employment section, you
want to be,, a jockey?

FRANK
Yes that is right, a flourisher of whips and the punters
best and worst friend.

WILLY
But don’t you think you’re a bit big to be a jockey?

FRANK
Well, I am preparing to diet.

WILLY
Ya but don’t you know the average jockey only weighs
like fifity kilos soaking wet?

FRANK
Fifty kilos? Well, in that case, I Suppose, I could get
some of my legs chopped off .

WILLY
Ahh yes, but then, how would you get on the horse?

FRANK
Through a Very, AND, I do Stress the word VERY,,
elaborate system of ramps.

WILLY
So,, have you had much experience with horses?

FRANK
Oh yes off coarse, at last year’s Easter Show I rode
three HUGE Bucking stallions, AND, I did Not fall off once.

WILLY
Well you’re lucky there, falling off a High horse can be
an EXTREME Pain believe me,, I broke my Stupid little
toe getting Bucked off a Stoned Shetland Pony.

FRANK
Ouch! Yes I was very fortunate indeed as it was a REAL
fast merry go round and I would have been stampeded
on AND possibly, Trampled to one Horrible Demise if I
Had the misfortune to fall.

WILLY
So,, other than that Thrill Seeking Ride have you actually
ever ridden a REAL horse?

FRANK
Real? Yes off coarse, you know those horse drawn
tourist coaches that wander aimlessly around town?

WILLY
Ya what, you’ve driven one of them have you?

FRANK
No, but I rode on one and it looks dead easy, all you
need to know is how to yell Giddy UP, and WHOA,
together, with the occasional flourish of the whip, and
mum is your uncle.

WILLY ( picks up phone )
Ya know, I really admire your enthusiasm for meaningful
employment, It so happens I know the acting clerk at the
racecourse who owes me, I’ll give him a call for you.

FRANK
Well, Giddy UP! ( pretends he is whipping )

Shot of behind a man holding a mobile phone on racecourse calling the clerk of the coarse on a white horse over.

MAN
Oi Roger!,, There’s a call for you Sir.

Horse and clerk jog over and man puts phone to the horse’s mouth. Clerk looks like Rodney Hide.

Mister Ed ( lips barely move )
Helllllooooo,, I’m Sir Roger,,, Hay Willy, after another
hot whisper are you?,,

RODNEY
Hurry up Sir Roger, it’s almost lunch time.

SIR ROGER
Hay get off my back Rodney! This is my first speaking
role in twenty years!

RODNEY
Yes well if you don’t start moving your lips more it might
be your last .

ROGER ( lips move )
Hay I was just practicing my ventriloquism, you know
it’s a hard Act to get right when all you have is one
Stupid Dummy to work with.

RODNEY ( lips don’t move but Roger’s do a little)
Yes you are right as usual Sir Roger, I apologize
profusely for being such a stupid ass.

ROGER
Apology accepted Rodney.

RODNEY
Sir Roger quit putting words into my mouth! Who the
heck do you think you are?

ROGER
I’m just a Sneaky Ventriloquist and one HELL of a Political Satirhorse. ( grins )

Rodney looks perplexed and we hear donkey “Hee Haws” coming from his mouth. Man’s face turns around and looks like a goofy grinning John Key. Shot goes to office where Willy is hanging up the phone.

WILLY
Well good news Frank, I’ve just secured you some
VERY meaningful employment.

FRANK
Great! As a jockey?

WILLY
Ah,, ya off coarse, you’ll have to start from the Bottom
though.

FRANK
Well Giddy UP!,, Whoa,, WHOA! ( pretends he is whipping his ass)

Shot goes to racecourse with Rodney riding Roger.

RODNEY
Hey Frank! There’s some more Greenhouse Business over
here for you.

Frank enters scene carrying bucket and shovel.

FRANK
Oh Man, this Carbon Credit job stinks a Big time.

ROGER
Hay it’s a crap job but somebody has to do it. ( grins )

FRANK ( sees big pile )
HOLY COW! What a pile, is that your Business Roger?

ROGER
Hell No! I’m not THAT full of it.

RODNEY ( lips dont move)
It’s mine, I blame my sexy squash playing girl Friend’s
rich diet, she has VERY expensive tastes, mmmmm

FRANK
Ohh, she must be a bit of a goer then eh Rodney, wink wink
nudge nudge?

RODNEY
Excuse me, that’s not any of My Business! Sir Roger is
putting dirty lies in my mouth again!

ROGER
Hay don’t blame me when you make a Jack Ass of yourself
Rodney, you plonker!

RODNEY ( lips don’t move )
You’re right Del Boy, I am a stupid donkey sometimes,
Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee

Rodney looks mad and smacks Roger hard with whip. Roger bucks sending Rodney flying and landing in the crap.

ROGER
Hay Rodney, looks like you are REALLY lying in your own Bull Shit now. ( grins )

Hear a few cow “Moo’s” coming out of angry Rodney’s mouth. Shot goes to ‘Sidetrack’  tv studio with host Simon George.

SIMON
Welcome back to ‘Sidetrack’ as there’s still a bit of a
delay at the last race in Woodville where they are having
trouble loading the first starter ‘Rocking Richard’ in the
stalls. He’s actually quite an interesting runner here being
an eight year old Australian bred gelding by ‘The Carpenter’
out of the former top mare ‘Toy Show’. He’s trained on the
track by Chris Wood and will be ridden by a new apprentice
jockey Frank O’ Sullivan, who claims, he’s just a tad over
fifty kilos half wet, AND,, I’ve heard, there’s been a bit of a
quiet whisper for Richard on coarse at bolter odds. Well it
sounds like they have finally got him in so lets go to
Lee Tony for his call.

Shot of starting gate and the start of a horse race.

LEE ( voice only )
Thanks Simon, and yes they finally got Rocking Richard
in with the help of a blindfold and a stirring Haka from the
starting attendants scrum, and now apprentice jockey
Frank O’ Sullivan gingerly climbs a board again and they
are all set,, green light is on, And,, They are Racing in the
Woodville Highweight Hurdle,, and it’s an even start here,,
Except, for Rocking Richard, who stumbled out of the gate
ten lengths last and immediately broke into a mad bucking
rodeo act with jockey Frank O’ Sullivan valiantly trying to
stay aboard.

Shot of Frank wearing a very small jockey uniform riding a white rocking horse in front of the gates and whipping it so hard they fall over.

FRANK
Giddy up!,, Giddy UP!  ( they fall )

LEE ( p.a. voice only )
Oh no and sadly it looks like Rocking Richard has
broken down, urgent call for the vets around at the
starting barrier.

Shot of two vets in white coats running to the barrier carrying a screen and stretcher. They quickly exam Richard shaking their heads. They put screen around him and pull out their guns. They shoot Frank and put Richard on the stretcher and run off down the track passing characters as they go.

WILLY ( ripping up tickets angrily)
Damn, that’s the last time I ever Listen to a whisper
Straight from the Horse’s Mouth!

RICHARD ( lips move )
Hay, can I just say,, As a highly trained method actor, I
Must object Strongly to being Given all these Wooden Roles!

Rodney riding Roger enter scene.

RODNEY
No you can’t say that Richard! That was Sir Roger’s
line you dick head!

SIR ROGER
Say goodbye to Wellywood Dick, I Guarantee you will
never ACT in this town again!

Sir Peter Jackson look alike enters scene.

SIR PETER
Actually that’s not true, I just cast Richard to play Snowy
in the new Tintin movie.

Tintin and Snowy enter scene.

TINTIN
Oh no Snowy, I’m afraid our movie is going to turn into
a French farce, Richard looks nothing like you at all.

SNOWY ( French accent )
Oui oui Tintin, we can only hope Richard is Very good
at Acting like a Dog.

RICHARD
Hay! They don’t call me old Mad Dog for nothing ya
know! ( starts barking like a dog on heat )

Jockey Michael Walker enters scene waving whip frantically.

MICHAEL
Whoa!,, Whoa!

Vets skid to a stop and Sir John Walker wearing track suit walks into scene.

SIR JOHN
I’m sorry, but this running gag has gone way to far.

VET
The Walkers are right, it’s getting dangerously silly now, I quit.

Vets put stretcher down and everybody quickly exits scene. Rear vet looks a bit like a smirking David Lange.

RICHARD
Hay, you forgot about me!,, HELLOOOOOO,,

SNOWY ( voice only )
Run Snowy, RUN!

Hear other characters laugh at Snowy’s joke as Richard’s eyes suddenly looks scared and we hear the sound of galloping horses. The horse race enters scene and cut just as the lead horse is about to hurdle Richard who is so scared he starts shitting himself.  A sign flops down.

RICHARD ( voice only )
Ouch!,, OUCH!,,, YEEEOUCH!

SIGN
No animal act was harmed in the making of this sketch except for Sir Roger, Richard, and Rodney, who are all now seeking legal aid and a free business class trip to Europe to search for Shergar, Hone Harawira, and Rodney’s runaway “girl friend”, wink wink nudge nudge!
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