ACT 2

August 14, 2009

SCENE 7
INTERIOR BAR-  AFTER HOURS
Frank is behind bar and John, Sinaman, and Pepper are drinking beers at bar. Stereo behind bar is playing ‘How Bizarre’ by O.M.C.

FRANK
So what’s this big audition you’re going for anyways?

SINAMAN
It’s for a new TVNZ csi show, I play a sassy blonde who
gets murdered by her creepy cricket playing boyfriend’s
jealous fiance,

JOHN
Sounds good, will there be any nudity involved?

SINAMAN
NO! It’s TVNZ, they frown at nudity, thank God.

JOHN
Well I won’t be watching that’s for sure, there are like a
hundred csi shows on tv and they all have some
opening scene of some hot babe getting killed and not
one of them feature nudity, its a complete rip off.

PEPPER
So you’re saying your tv viewing habits are all
determined by nudity?

JOHN
No way! I’m not that shallow, female nudity only.

FRANK
Ya John loves his female nudity, he even has a whole
ninety minute video that features female nudity
exclusivly from ten years of hard tv viewing, hahaha

JOHN
Na I don’t have that tape anymore, I threw it out after a
week on the internet, I can’t believe how immature I was
before I had internet.

PEPPER
Yes it’s very hard to believe such a mature person like
yourself could ever be immature.

SINAMAN
Ya, I always thought old guys were just born mature.

FRANK
I can’t believe you threw that tape out! That was art! He
even went to the trouble of having two video recorders
so he could edit all the good bits, hahaha

JOHN
Ya it wasn’t all just tits and bums, I also had like the four
or  five seconds leading up to where Frankenstein or
Dracula rip the top off of some poor unsuspecting
blonde, I tried to give it a bit of a European film feel.

PEPPER
Well if that isn’t a sign of early maturity I don’t what is.

FRANK
Ya John taught me all I know about maturity, I owe all
my maturity to him, haha

JOHN
Hey that’s right, you still owe me a beer for that too.

John starts sculling beer as Frank fills another glass.

PEPPER
I think I would be demanding a refund Frank.

John finishes beer and burps.

JOHN ( Steve Martin like )
Well, excuuuse me!

FRANK
Ya see? it takes a very mature man to apologize for burping.

Frank hands John another beer.

JOHN ( Groucho like )
Thank YO!

SINAMAN
Gee it’s three am pops, isn’t it pass very mature mans bedtime?

JOHN
Ya where is Dean, he was supposed to pick me up an hour
ago, I hope he remembered, I don’t want to have to walk
home, I think it might rain.

FRANK
Na it ain’t gonna rain, anyway, what ever happened to,
“Now I’ve given up smokin, I’m going to get real fit by
walking, you just watch me! ”

JOHN
I was talking dry fit not wet fit, wet fit is for girls.

SINAMAN
Ya, dry fit can get painful.

Phone rings.

FRANK ( answers phone like Lurch from ‘The Addams Family)
Wow late night call,,,You raaaangggg,, wow you must
have esp! John was just asking about you,, ya he said
he was just about to walk home to get wet, haha,, ya sure
just a sec,, ( HANDS PHONE AND SMILES AT JOHN ) it’s Dean.

Frank laughs and as John tries to get rid of Wet Pussy the characters hand out some jibes.

JOHN
Hey you old dog where are ya? ,, Wet Pussy!  Whoops
sorry I thought it was somebody else,,, na just a friend
but hey Wet,,  ya ok sorry, Fran, it’s,,, na I just found out
I missed out, evidently I was TOO funny for Russell,
typical Aussie bastard,, actually Fran,, hey can I just,,,
ya,,ya of coarse,,,, but hey my taxi just arrived I have ,,,
ya will do,, I promise,,, ya promise,,
PEPPER
Oh boy, I hope we are finally going to get to hear those
infamous encore lines now.

SINAMAN
I sure hope he gets better, I’ve already deducted four
points for his slow start. ( grabs pen and pad )

FRANK
Hey don’t judge him till you hear his encore lines, they
are every girl’s wildest wet dream, haha

PEPPER
Oh, should I be getting my thigh highs, fish nets, and fly rod?

FRANK
Yes please!

SINAMAN
My wildest wet dream involves lots of expensive bottles
of French Champange, he better not cheap out and
having me bathing in a cheap Aussie cask, I’m better
than that pops!

FRANK
Ya you girls can laugh now but once you hear these
encore lines, John guarantees, you will be soaking,

SINAMAN
Ya, in puke.

Pepper and Frank laugh and we hear Bird’s laughing bark. John smiles and gives Bird ‘the bird’  as Wet Pussy continues yapping away, cut. ( what a sick way to end that scene.)


SCENE 8
EXT NIGHT OUTSIDE A BLOCK OF FLATS.
Dean’s taxi is parked out front a block of flats and it’s raining and there is one open window upstairs with light on and through curtains see shadow of Stella looking like she’s whipping a bucking bronco hard. Soundtrack is Dragon singing ‘Rain’.

STELLA
Giddy UP BOY!,, YES YEESS YEEEEESSS !!!

DEAN (  very loud voice only )
Stella,, HAY STEEEEEEEEELLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!

Stella crops whip at the window like a winning race salute. See next doors light turn on, then downstairs lights turn on and enters the scene is a very wet John carrying beat guitar case head down walking home fast, cut just as we hear loud thunder and John starts to swear out loud.


SCENE 9
EXTERIOR DAY STREET.
Sinaman is about to walk into ‘Stella’s Beauty Therapy’ pausing before she enters to make sure nobody she knows sees her. We see the shoe shop has now shut down. ( Blam Blam Blam lied ) Two other nervous blondes walk in and camera follows Sinaman to the waiting room where the two other nervous blondes are reading ‘Beauty NZ’ magazines both with different covers of Lucy Lawless. Sinaman nervously sits down and picks up another Lucy Lawless magazine. There is a Lucy Lawless poster on the wall and stereo is playing Fur Patrol singing ‘Lydia’. Stella a 35 year old butch looking woman barges in.

STELLA
Hi I’m Stella, now, which one of you lucky girls is next?

Nervous girls pause a few beats and then all point at each other.

GIRLS
She is! ,,


SCENE 10
EXTERIOR DAY TIME INSIDE ‘DEAN’S CAB-
Dean and Pepper have just parked in the airport parking lot. On radio is Fat Freddy’s Drop singing ‘Wandering Eye’.

PEPPER
Well wish me luck.

DEAN
Yes yes of coarse, hey you don’t want me to come in for
moral support do you, I can even say, I’m your new
boyfriend or possibly, hehe, even fiance, hehe, funny
word, has a funny ring to it, fee on say, hee hee,
,
PEPPER
Yes that would be a lot of fun ,, actually,,, that’s not that
silly of an idea,, all right,, here are my conditions,,



SCENE  11
INTERIOR BEAUTY SHOP.
Sinaman and other girl ‘Rose’ are nervously reading magazines. On the stereo is Stellar playing ‘Violent’. We hear a rip sound followed by a loud scream, then.

BRAZILIAN GIRL ( voice only )
STEEEEEELLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !

Sinaman and Rose look at each other nervously, calmly put down magazines, then make a mad rush for the door. Cut as they both hit the door at the same time and get stuck in the middle.



SCENE 12-
INTERIOR AIRPORT BAR.
Dean and Pepper are sitting opposite mother Helen and her 50 year old typical Aussie fiance Bruce. Bruce is drinking pint of beer, Pepper is on her second rum and coke, Helen is drinking wine and Dean has a cup of coffee. Airport background music is Goldenhorse singing ‘Maybe Tomorrow’.

BRUCE
So mate, what do you do for a crust Dean?

DEAN
Well Bruce me ole mate, hehe, currently, I am the most
senior, fastest, and naturally the best ole driver of
‘Moonlight Cabs’, this towns top taxi company, we are
fast and cheap, just like we like our shielas eh Bruce,
wink wink nudge nudge, hee hee,

PEPPER
Don’t mind him that’s just a bit of cheap taxi humour,
he gets funnier the more you drink.

They all take big drinks.

DEAN
Yes yes of coarse I know Pepper is not cheap and I
have to better myself job wise to keep such an
expensive woman so I have been studying hard for
quite a few years now to pursue a much more lucrative
career option, and I think, I may be only four, possibly
five, six at the extreme outside, weeks away from giving
up the ole driving gig to earn the big bucks, as after all, I
am now a, fee on say, hehe, I must get you a funny ring
darling, hey?

PEPPER
Yes my hand feels naked without that funny ring and
you know you promised last week you would get one.

HELEN
Well thank God you are not just a taxi driver, we think
Pepper is better than that.

BRUCE
Ya so mate what’s this lucrative career you have been
studying for?

DEAN
Professional gambler, I follow the ponies, AND, I have
studied real hard to work out a system, I’m going to be
rich soon yes, yes, and Pepper too off coarse, hey darling?

Bruce face drops and Helen sniffs her disapproval.

PEPPER
Yes, don’t you worry mister I will be there when you
start winning big to keep an eye on you, just to make
sure you don’t waste it all on fast women and slow
horses like you usually do.

DEAN
But darling I never waste money on slow horses, maybe
fast horses that are having an off day but never slow,
I’ve learnt that lesson the hard way, believe me dear.

Stella Cropp enters scene.

STELLA
Well hello handsome, fancy seeing you here, I was almost
going to ring you before, I was after another ride. ( SMILES )

DEAN
Ahh Stellaaaa, well yes yes it is a very small world
sometimes, ahh, ahem,, Stella, this is Bruce and Helen all
the way over from Australia on a stopover to Fiji, and ahh,
this is Sharon’s lovely daughter Pepper, who works in
that bar I was telling you so much about, and,, this is Stella
Cropp, third leading apprentice rider in New Zealand and
closing in rapidly on being number two, isn’t that right Stella?

STELLA
You’re lucky Dean, you know for a second there, I
thought you might have been cheating on me ALREADY,
how funny is that? ( SMILES )

DEAN
Hee hee, yes yes very funny, very funny indeed, you see, ahem,,

BRUCE
Stella, this is Pepper, Dean’s,, Fee, On, Say.

Dean giggles at “fee on say” and Stella gets real mad.

STELLA
FIANCE! Why you lying bastard! I hate you, you sick
creep! I never want to see you again, you disgusting
Pervert!

Stella rushes out of scene and a couple of beats of silence as Helen gives some sniffs then Stella rushes back into scene.

STELLA
Oh and one more thing, STANLEY!

Stella throws Bruce’s beer in Dean’s face and leaves fast.

PEPPER
Well, STANLEY,, here’s another fine mess you’ve
gotten me into.

DEAN
No no she must be crazy, I only gave her a ride, honest
darling, she’s a nutsarooni!

A couple of beats of silence as Dean wipes face with napkin and Helen sniffs.

PEPPER
So anyways, how did you two lovebirds meet up?

BRUCE
On an Aussie internet chat site.

PEPPER
Ohhh,, that sounds romantic.

BRUCE
Yup, it was love at first type. ( LAUGHS )

HELEN
Pepper, didn’t you read those notes I gave you, I warned
you about taxi drivers, they will drive you,

PEPPER
CRAZY, yes, I do remember now, mother you were right,,
Dean, I’m sorry, but I’ve regained my sanity, our engagement
is over,

Helen and Bruce look pleased.

DEAN
Yes but darling,

PEPPER
I’m turning lesbian again!

Helen sniffs and Bruce looks interested and sleazily smiles.

DEAN
Hey Stelllaaaa, wait, I can explain!

Dean runs out of scene after Stella.

DEAN ( loud voice only )
Stella, Hay STEEEEEEELLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !

A smiling waiter enters the silent scene with another round of drinks, cut. Yes Dean gave Stella another ride and has the scars to prove it.
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