act 3

August 13, 2009

scene 13
Sinaman walks up to a door carrying cv with sign on the door ‘Hunter Casting’  and ‘ dead blonde auditions’. She goes inside and the two girls from the beauty therapy room are sitting there reading ‘NZ ACTOR’ magazines both with different pics of Lucy Lawless. Room looks almost the same as ‘Stella’s Beauty Therapy’ waiting room except there is a ‘Xena Warrior Princess’ poster on wall. On the stereo is Anika Moa singing ‘Dreams in my Head’. Sinaman does a double take.

Jeepers, is this a deja vu scene or what?

Nope, it’s all just a bad dream.
CANDY ( Brazilian )
No, this is for a dead blonde scene, dega voo must be
down the hall.

No silly, deja vu, means she’s seen this scene before,
like in a dream.

Huh? You mean like a rerun, I’m not up with all these
acting terms, this is my first time.

What you’ve never acted before, how the hell did you
get an audition anyways?

Stella invited me, she was so impressed how good I
acted getting my Brazilian she said I could be a great
actress, I think she likes me. ( giggles )

And what the hell does Stella have to do with casting?

Remembers Willy mentioning Stella and gets a worried look as Stella barges through door.

Sorry I’m late girls, I got held up with another job, I’m


Well hello hello hello, what a coincidence, and Candy,
so nice to see you, I’m glad you came sugar.

Candy gives Stella a very passionate hug. Sinaman and Rose give each other a suspicious look.

You’re right, this is turning into one bad dream.

Well I guess this is easy, we need a Brazilian blonde for
this role and all I see here is one brave Brazilian and two
scared blonde pussies, Candy congratulations, welcome
to the wonderful world of show business.

CANDY ( very excited jumping up and down )
Yay yippee, yay, I’m going to be a tv actress, I can’t wait
to quit my job as a stupid waitress, that’s so below me
now, yay yay, Hollywood here I come! Thank you Stella,
I love you!

Candy gives Stella a big hug and kiss as girls look disgusted.

My bad dream just turned into a nightmare.

Ya how the hell does a waxer become a casting agent?

Well times are tight out there, casting no longer pays all
the bills so I took up waxing, it doesn’t pay much but I do
it as a labour of love, a girl has to make ends meet you know.

This sucks, I went through Brazilian anxiety for nothing,
I feel used.

Well don’t worry girls, I need a couple of waitress extras
for a sleazy bar scene where all you have to do is shake
your head no when you are shown a glossy picture of the
lovely Candy in a bikini, do you think you could do that?

Hell ya! I play a waitress in a sleazy bar four or five nights
a week so it’s not much of a stretch for me.

And I’m a waitress in a fancy restaurant but I specialized in
sleaze in Drama School.

Well that sounds good, I’ll just take your cv’s and I’ll be
in touch with your agent.

They hand over cv’s. Stella reads them.

Oh, both Willy girls I see.

Ya, when it cums to getting a great role you just can’t beat Willy.

Yes, well, just make sure you never try to beat him, Willy
loves it waaay too much, trust me, I dated him once. ( shudders at the thought )

ROSE ( to Sinaman )
Well I guess this nightmare didn’t turn out to bad after all.

Ya, it almost makes Drama School and a huge student
loan seem all so worthwhile now.

Oh, and did I mention for these roles a Brazilian is required,
otherwise it wouldn’t be fair on Candy would it?

Couple of beats while girls think.

How about I just pay you twenty bucks and I’ll act like
a Brazilian.

Oh, all right miss scaredy pussy.

My pussy just screamed, better put her in for twenty too.

Well that’s the easiest forty bucks I’ll make, who said
waxing doesn’t pay?

Probably some scared pussy.

Meow meow.

Should I be taking an acting lesson? I’m kind of nervous
about this.

There’s no need to be nervous dear, I also happen to teach
acting so go wait on my couch and we will go over your
scenes, don’t worry, I will teach you to act like a star, a very
sexy star at that.


Candy skips into the office.

She’s going to make it big, I just know it!

Ya move over Xena, we have our own Madonna now.

So, where’s that twenty bucks?

Cut as girls begrudgingly open purses. In a later episode Sinaman and Rose got real hissy when they miss out on a part on a TVNZ sitcom to Candy who is then touted by TVNZ as “New Zealand’s next Lucy Lawless, only blonde, and a lot funnier!”. Candy later went on to win a Golden Globe Nomination for Best Supporting Actress for playing a dumb blonde on Woody Allen’s last film but that’s another story.

Dean has just shown John and Frank his whip marks on his ass and is pulling up pants. On tv and stereo is The Chills singing ‘Heavenly Pop Song’.

Yeouch, that looks like it hurt.

Surprisingly not that much at the time but yes it does
sting a bit now and then but hey, I’m a man, I can take a
bit of pain for sex, hey hey,

You’ll have to wear a saddle or something next time.

I was but she wasn’t aiming dem whips at that saddle,
she’s kind of mean I think, hehe,

Wow a saddle too! Unreal! I can’t believe all the great
sex you get, being ridden by the hottest jockey in New
Zealand, man, that’s what my dreams are made of !

Ya I always thought Stella Cropp was hot but after that
story she’s like burning hot, I wonder if she likes to
horse around with older internet studs?

Oh ya I bet that’s every young jockey’s wet dream to
have some poor ole unemployed sugar daddy, haha

Ya well, in a perfect world it would be.

Yes yes maybe you will be big in Heaven Johny, there
are probably a pack of virgins up there fighting right
now over who does you first,” Hey I saw him first”,
“No get away! He’s mine bitch!”, hehe

Well if there’s a fight I’m a praying some big fat lesbian
doesn’t win, that would be like hell.

Well you don’t have to worry, I don’t think they allow
perverts in Heaven anyways, haha

No no Heaven loves it’s perverts, either that, or there’ll
be one hell of a lot of very angry priests dancing with
Satan, hehehe

Haha ya, all Moonwalking to ‘Sympathy for the Devil’, haha

Well I sure hope all the virgins up there aren’t nuns cause
they seem to die pretty old, I don’t want no old virgin,
they’re just not the same.

I don’t think you’ll have to worry anyways cause there will
be heaps of rich and successful type guys up there who get
first pick, you will be left with their leftover virgins, hahaha

No way! I think everyone’s supposed to be equal in Heaven.

Oh ya that’s what they want you to think, I bet when you
get up there it’s a different story, money talks, just ask
Oral Roberts, haha   ( Bill Hicks was censored from
‘Letterman’ for an Oral Roberts joke, that’s for him)

All right that settles it then, Hell here I cum.

Yes yes I have to admit Hell has its advantages, 24 hour
party time every day and never having to work, man all
those hot women down there, can life be any better than
that, ahhhhh,

Ya I always thought the Satanists don’t do a good job
at promoting Hell, like every picture you see it’s all flames
and real hot where if they lost the flames and promote it
more as warm and cozy and the home of great music,
they would be the most popular religion in the world.

Ya especially in winter haha

Yes yes the music down there would burn, John Bonham,
Keith Moon, Buddy Rich, the ole Devil in the corner
handing out his weed, oh man, I want to go! It would be
like Heaven! hehe ( typical drummer they only think of themselves)

Ya I bet Heaven’s music sucks, all you would get would
be Mormon Tabernacle Choir stuff and harp music, and
I bet listening to harps playing ‘Stairway To Heaven’  for
eternity would feel like hell, haha

phone rings.

Wow late night call! Is that Wet Pussy?

Hope not, you want to get it, just say I have just gone
out for an hour.

Na I’ve had enough of Wet Pussy, it’s too much like
talking dirty to The Nanny, haha

Ya I know, I was expecting her to sound like Elaine
from ‘Seinfeld’, I got totally ripped off.

Well if you guys don’t want no Wet Pussy I’ll answer it
and try some of this wild hot phonesex, yes yes,

Ya sure go for it, make sure she sounds like the Nanny
though, I’ll get some lines for you if ya want,

I don’t need no lines, I have lines to die for Johny, you
better get your pen ready boy, hee hee, ( picks up phone)
Well hellooo there,,, no he’s just gone out but he told me
if you rang you are crazy into some wild hot phone sex which
Johny is always talking about so enthusiastically, yum I
can ,,, ahh,, ahem,, yes yes, sorry, just joking off coarse, ahh,
just a momento, Johny just walked in,, it’s your mum, hehe

Frank laughs as John gets up to answer phone.

Oh what! She sounds nothing like The Nanny! That
settles it, if Blanche DuBois wins this weekend the
first thing I’m buying is one of those answerphones,
this is too much,,,, Hi mum,,, Ya sorry about that, it’s
some crazy friend of Frank’s that I don’t really know,,

Oh ya blame me!

Ya he’s right here, I think he wants to say hi,,, ya just a sec,

Hands phone to Frank and smirks. Dean is looking at cams on computer and he and John overlap Frank’s dialogue.

Thanks,,, Hi Mrs S, long time no speak,,, ya I’m doin ok,
still working as a barman,,, nope haven’t done stand up
in years, what about you, you still playing bass?,,,, you
should come down to the bar one night, we hardly get
any female bass players there,,, oh right, what haven’t
you got an electric one,,, wow heavy stuff,,, ( LAUGHS)
that’s funny, haha,,,

Johnny come look at this hot babe, man she is hot, and
getting naked, phew!, Oh man, she is pure sex, ahhhhh

Hey I can’t look at naked babes when my mum’s on the
phone, I’m sick but not THAT sick.

FRANK ( cups phone)
You wanna bet haha.

What’s her nicname anyways?

Ahh,, Warm Pussy 69, oh man, she is tasty,

Warm Pussy 69! I love Warm Pussy, she is hot! She cums
from Florida!

John rushes over to the computer to complete his beat ‘Stan Daniel’s turn’. John’s chat nicname was ‘Willy B. Good’ which he had to change three weeks later after he took to long in the shower and Dean gave Willy a very bad name indeed.

Whoa mama,,(  STARTS TYPING ) I get excited just typing
Warm Pussy 69,, it just rolls of your fingers.

Ya great talking to ya Mrs S,, ya will do, now heeeeeeeeeere’s
Johnyy!,,, JOHN

Frank waves phone.

D’oh!,, Now don’t type anything, I don’t want to get
bounced again, remember?

Yes yes I remember, you couldn’t get back in for 24 hours
cause I was rude, hehe

Ya well just don’t touch the keyboard, that was a long 24 hours.

Yes yes I promise.

John goes to phone and Frank goes over to computer as Dean types something and they overlap dialogue.

I’m back,,,, ya,,, na job market seems pretty tight, I might
just have to wait for the economy to pick up again
before I can seek meaningful employment.,,( LAUGHS) ,,
Well I’m on the computer a lot,,, No way! I don’t do porn,
mostly music and guitar type stuff sites,,( LAUGHS) Damn
you know me to well,,  huhu, ya true,,,

Wow you’re right she is hot,, wow!

Yes yes you should type something sexy to her, she just
said she’d love to get a bit of Kiwi Willy in her, hehe, yes
yes she’s a Good girl all right, hee hee,

Frank types something sexy and suddenly the cam shuts off and he is bounced from room. Dean bends over in laughter.

Hey what! I didn’t even swear, what’s the friggen story?

I just had a warning for being crude, hehe

Oh right it’s your fault, haha

Hey I told you not to touch that!,,, oh just Frank fooling
around on my computer, he just gave me an illegal
operation, bastard,,,( LAUGHS) good point,,, ok I’ll call ya
next week maybe,, ya good to talk to ya,, take care,,bye.

Wow is that the time, I better get going,

Yes I must go too, time is money and I need to get some
more to put on Blanche since if it’s a dry track she will
be a shoe in, yes, yes, catch ya later Johny.

Ya see ya, and don’t “pleasure yourself” to hard, haha

Frank and Dean wave and leave fast just as John gets off the phone to swear at them as he knows it’s going to be another long 24 hours. Stan Daniels was a very funny Canadian comedy writer and co creator of ‘Taxi’ who perfected a comedy set up in which a character says something and then immediately does a 180 degree turn on what he said which is now referred to as a ‘Stan Daniels turn’. Homer Simpson seems to be a bit of an expert at it these days.

Pepper is behind bar and Sinaman is smiling as Pepper has just told her the airport story. There is a spare glass which is Rose’s who has gone to bathroom. All are drinking rum and cokes and on bar stereo is When The Cat’s Away singing ‘Melting Pot’.

Gee what a story, I bet Bruce will be talking about that
family reunion for years!

Yes I bet he is already texting his drunk mates about his
future hot lesbian daughter in law who also seems to like
sleazy blokes, I could even become an Australian tourist

ewwww, I’ve only had one Aussie and never again, he
lasted about three seconds and then had the nerve to
yell “oi oi oi, Aussie Aussie Aussie”,  just before I
whipped him senseless.

Yes Australians treat sex like an Olympic sport, the
quicker the better, I’ve had a one second Aussie but
fortunately he didn’t ‘oi oi oi’ or he would have been
one dead Aussie, I hate those oi oi oi’s.

Ya if it wasn’t for the quick guys I would probably move
over there, acting has to be easier in Aussie than here.

Well I didn’t tell you but you were lucky not to get that
corpse role as my best friend was murdered on ‘Xena’
years ago and it absolutely killed her acting career, she
said once you act dead its only downhill from there,
she never got on tv again.

Gee, so what’s she doing now?

PEPPER ( looks at clock)
Well, she’s probably sipping a martini and ordering her
Brazilian pool boy to fan harder because its “oh so hot
in Malibu all year round”, the bitch married the American
producer and is now living happily ever after and what
makes it real tragic,, I was up for that role too, that could
have been me being fanned by a Brazilian pool boy.

Gee what a life, Malibu, that’s close to Hollywood, does
her husband still produce?

Yes, every month he produces a huge alimony cheque
for her and their adopted kid, she is living the American
dream, and he is,, now into Gaming Films, I think.

I hate Gaming films, there’s not enough roles for women
in them, unless you want to get killed or play a corpse.

Yes good female roles are a dying breed these days.

Rose enters scene.

Well i think I’m sufficiently drunk enough to forget about
why I wanted to become an actor in the first place, so,
can I borrow the phone, I better ring a cab before I pass
out and act dead.

Pepper passes phone.

Don’t worry, I bet in five years I’ll be reliving the story
countless times about how I used to know you two
before they were rich and famous and now the bitches
refuse to return my calls, I feel betrayed, quick buy me
another drink or two so I can tell you all about their most
wildest sexual exploits.

Rose smiles as dials and Pepper and Sinaman give each other a knowing look when they hear the name Dean.

Oh hi, is Dean working tonight? ,, Great, could you tell
him Rose Bush needs a ride from the beat bar, he will
know who I am,, great, thank you.

Don’t tell me, Dean Cassidy?

Yes, do you know him?

I think every girl in town knows Dean, he gets around
like a hurricane.

Tell me about it, he’s a hard boy to pin down.

Not that hard, Pepper was engaged to him.

Oh sorry, well, I mean, he’s just an old friend, there was
nothing sexual of coarse,

Don’t worry, I’m well over him, we were only engaged
for about ten minutes before I had to break it off after I
caught him cheating, seems so long ago now its
almost just a dream. ( takes big drink )

And how long ago was it ?

PEPPER ( looks at clock )
Oh, at least, eight or nine eight hours ago, though, in
retrospect, it seems infinitely longer. ( sculls drink )

Gee I think I must be the only girl in town that hasn’t had a
fling with that cad, I must be slowing down in old age.

Old age? Do you want me to hurt you?

Ya I been a bad girl, spank me mama! ( smiles at Pepper )

Hear four loud car horn honks.

Boy that was fast.

He is always fast when it cums to giving girls a ride, do
give him my love.

And tell him our rendezvous for Friday is off, I don’t do
recently engaged guys, they are to needy.

Boy, he sure has some explaining to do,, well, nice to
meet you Pepper.

Yes nice to meet you Rose, do remember me when you
are famous.

ROSE ( holds purse like an Oscar )
How could I ever forget Dean’s ex fiance, I dedicate this
Oscar to her, without what’s her name I would have been
just another nobody! ( SMILES)  And I’ve got your number
Sin I’ll call you this weekend to go over our “scene”,
wink wink.

Sinaman shakes head no.

What can’t you make it this weekend?

Ya, I was just practicing our “scene”, was I convincing?

Rose shakes head no.

PEPPER ( to Sinaman )
She’s good, I’m convinced she wasn’t convinced, and
I’m very hard to convince.

Hear horn honk another four times and Rose quickly waves bye and leaves.

You know I bet she does go a long way, she is
pretty convincing isn’t she?

Well I’m convinced she won’t be going a long way
with Dean tonight.

The girls smile at each other for a couple of beats and cut just as they click glasses and laugh. The girls were wrong, Dean scored!

Dean and Stella walk up to Blanche DuBois’s stall.

Hey there’s no music in here, these poor horses must
get bored with nothing to listen to, poor Blanche needs
some sounds to get her piped and ready!

Well she’s looking very relaxed today, usually she’s
very edgy.

It must be because she already knows she is going to win,
why worry when you are a winner, isn’t that right Blanche

Dean pats her head and Blanche nods then Dean takes out something from his pocket and gives it to her which she gobbles up.

You are not really supposed to feed them anything
before a race.

Don’t worry dear it was only a couple of sugar cubes
which will hopefully give her that extra shot of speed
at the end of the race, you like speed don’t you Blanche?

Blanche licks lips as Dean gets Ipod out to play some music for her.

What are you doing ?

I’m just getting some music to play for Blanche,
hopefully it will inspire her run fast for I have a lot of
hard earned money on her to win and I dare not even
think of the consequences if she loses, as that would
be far to depressing to even worry about, let alone
contemplate, have you got that Blanche darling?

Blanche nods and Dean hangs Ipod above Blanche and we can hear it’s Straightjacket Fits singing ‘She Speeds’. Blanche seems to like the music.

I hope you haven’t put to much on her, she’s a bit
unpredictable you know so certainly no certainty, just
a good each way long shot bet.

Yes well I’ve put everything I have on her darling, eighty
to win and twenty bucks of quinellas and trifectas with a
mate, and, I have ten to win on Chico Marx as a saviour
just in case something goes wrong as Chico is an old
fave of mine, I won six hundred bucks on him last year
and man that was one craaazy weekend,, Phew! ( shakes head at rememberence )

STELLA ( shakes head at Deans big wager )
O.K., well, I better go get changed and I’ll just pray
Blanche is in a good mood today.

Don’t worry darling just follow Chico he will lead the way,
I will meet you in the winners circle, I will just let Blanche
hear the end of this song, good luck sexy,

Thanks handsome, I’ll hopefully see you in the winners
circle then.

That you will darling, that you will,

Dean hugs and kisses Stella and Blanche looks a bit upset. Stella leaves.

Don’t worry Blanche she means nothing to me, it’s you I
love darling, ( PATS HER)  mmm yes yes you are so
beautiful, you are by far the sexiest horse racing today,,
you are a winner babe.

Dean looks around to make sure nobody is watching and takes another couple of sugar cubes out of his pocket and cut just as he gives them to Blanche.

Frank and John are sitting infront of tv smiling as we hear the funky music from ‘Seinfeld’ . We don’t see tv screen until last shot. ( Seinfeld episode was ‘The Contest’ )

Wow that was a funny show!

Ya, I’d never enter a contest like that now I’ve got the
internet, I’d be a loser first day.

Haha ya, I bet you could still beat Dean though, haha

Ya true, all I’d have to do is take a quick nap. ( laughs )

Hey quick our race is about to start!

Oh ya right.

John changes channel and we hear racecaller Darren Tyquin getting ready to call race.

I wonder where Dean is? I gave him twenty bucks for
quinellas and trifectas, hope he got it on as he was
supposed to be here, my luck the trifecta comes in
but he got held up or something.

You’ve still got her each way though haven’t you?

Ya eleven each way.

Hey big spender.

Ya well I work don’t I?, haha

Good point.

How much you got on her?

Three each way and a dollar quinella with Chico Marx, she
better win or it’s No Name cat food for Big AL next week.

BIG AL ( voice only )
Big Al  Big AAAL !

Sounds like Big AL isn’t very happy about that, haha

Ya well it’s about time he went on a diet anyways.

BIG AL ( v.o.)
Hissssssssss!  ( sorry the jokes are running thin now )

We hear the race has started. The boys talk over a lot of Darren’s racecall but I attempted to give a sample of his calling style as he starts out in a moderate tempo but builds it up to an almost bebob like frenzy over the final 100 metres as each race he called was like a crazed jazz song all built on rythym as he was a true racecalling artist. PS- Sunline was a late entry.

DARREN ( voice only )
back to Hi Hat with three lengths back to Sunline
racing on the outside of Sun Up with a length back to old
Chico Marx and two lengths last is Blanche DuBois who
jockey Stella Cropp gives a couple of stiff reminders with
the whip to get her mind on the job as Stella seems to be
in another stubborn mood again but back to the leaders
here, Elmo Hussle and Charlie Parker are together in a
real speed duel up front as they have sped away by at
least three or four lengths as they are going at it hammer
and tongs like there’s no tomorrow, …………….

Damn, I knew she was a wet tracker, bloody Dean’s
stupid tips, I should have known.

Ya how anti climatic, we are not even going to get a run
for our hard earned money, what a rip off, I should have
known too, never trust Dean, what an idiot I am.

I’ll still follow her next start she strikes it wet though,
her odds will be real big then.

I only put that much money on her cause you remember
when she won about a year ago and we dismissed Dean’s
big tip as crazy and she paid 42 to one, I’m still cursing
myself for not having at least a buck each way on her, so
I went big this time just to make up for my stupid mistake.

Hey look she’s passed a horse.

Oh oh, here she cums! ( hope i dont have to pay Hall and Oates royalties for that line )

Well I wouldn’t get that excited haha

Boys are starting to get a bit more excited.

DARREN ( voice getting excited )
And the leaders are stopping here as Elmo Hussle and
Charlie Parker look like they have hit the brick wall and
are running up and down on the same blade of grass
and now here comes the swoopers from the rear with
the ten year old Chico Marx grabbing them out wide but
now HERE COMES BLANCHE DuBOIS from the clouds
right down the extreme outside with a wet sail, and she
gets up and grabs Chico on the line to win by a head,
with a further two lengths back to the hot favourite Sunline
who also stormed home from the clouds just a head of Sun Up
running home well for fourth with a length back Hi Hat
and Fred Dagg…and finally Elmo Hussle and Charlie
Parker who were involved in that mad speed duel up front
folded up like yesterday’s paper and have both come home
at the rear of the field together, a long and lonely three
lengths stone cold last. …………

Boys are real happy and excited now and attempt to complete the very rare and difficult double beat ‘Stan Daniels turn’. Kids don’t you dare try this at home!

See! I told you it was about time one of his tips came in!
I told you! I knew she was going to win, I’m kicking myself,
I was going to have six each way on her but I chickened
out at the last minute! What an idiot, I knew I should have
trusted Dean more, I knew it !

Ya I knew she was going to win as soon as I saw those
leaders going so hard, it was so obvious, I think I must
have esp sometimes, man I hope Dean got those bets on
cause we have the trifecta and quinella which will pay
heaps, it will be my biggest win ever, my luck, I bet he
didn’t get them on!

Boys eyes light up big as they have spotted on tv a very excited Dean standing by trainer Slim Chance in the winners circle.

DEAN !!!

DARREN ( v.o. continuing)
And jubilant jockey Stella Cropp waves her whip to the
stunned crowd and brings back Blanche DuBois to the
winners circle for a very happy trainer Slim Chance with
what looks like a very excited owner waving a bundle of
tickets as why wouldn’t you be excited, Stella was the rank
outsider in the field at 42 to 1 beating another outsider
Chico Marx at 20 to 1 with two lengths back to the third
place hot favourite Sunline with Sun Up rushing home for
fourth with a blackbook first up run written all over it but
take no credit away from the winner Blanche DuBois, she
was certainly on her game today, a last to first performance
with a phenomenal display of speed over those final two
hundred metres, that’s the Blanche BuBois of old we all
used to know and love and now in the twilight of her career,
as she’s been around a few corners I’ll give you the tip,

Unreal!! Dean got the bets on AND made it on tv, that’s
unreal! What are the odds!

Ya its not often you see a loser in the winners circle!

Ya i love being a winner, makes losing so much more
worthwhile now, haha, all right, where’s the next race,
I’m on Fire!

DEAN ( voice only )

Boys look on speachless.

DARREN ( voice only )
Oh my God! The idiot owner just yelled out jockey Stella’s
name so loud it’s set off Blanche DuBois into a mad
bronking frenzy here with jockey Stella Cropp hanging on
for dear life, and oh no! She’s been thrown high,,, What!,,,
Oh my Lord! ,, The yelling idiot who started the whole thing
off in the first place remarkably caught Stella with one arm
and then with the other arm calmly grabbed the reigns of
the bucking Blanche DuBois who immediately settled down
faster than a baby on valium, well I’ve seen some strange
scenes on the racetrack but that one takes the cake, it almost
played out like some sort of crazy surreal scene out of
‘A Streetcar Named Desire’ and I’ll give you the tip, I bet Stella
Cropp will be giving that Brando character a swift kick up the
backside when he finally puts her down, that was crazy, I
think the good Lord must have been watching down as that
was a miracle Stella wasn’t hurt, a miracle!

Wow, did you see that!

If I didn’t see it I wouldn’t have believed it, that was unbelievable!

Ya Dean is unreal! Unreal!

Camera swings around and shows a still shot on the tv screen of the winners circle with a smiling Dean holding a smiling whip cropped to the camera Stella and holding the reigns of a smiling Blanche DuBois with her tongue sticking out. Credits roll to the sound of Jacko, Charlie and Bruno jamming up a riffy rhythmic rock tune of John’s and the idea was to add an instrument every week and on the final episode Sinaman can sing some lyrics to a song now called naturally ‘the beat dreams on’. (Since the show won’t be made a more fitting finale is Crowded House doing an old live version of ‘Don’t Dream it’s Over’. )

With their winnings Frank and Dean buy a share off trainer Slim Chance in a unraced 5 year old ‘Musical Phantasy’ gelding called ‘Beat Dreams’ which is bred to stay all day. Sinaman films her head shaking csi scene. Pepper joins an internet dating site. John buys a cheap answerphone off Trade Me. ( Slim Chance was a Kiwi William S. Burroughs type trainer, his training license has now been revoked )

Frank is surprised to find they are selling pre loved underpants in a second hand clothing store. Sinaman’s csi scene is cut to give Candy a screaming dying scene. John gets a pair of fancy underpants from a secret internet admirer. (they turned out to be a pair of Dean’s dirty cast offs, small world)

John is hassled by the dole office about seeking meaningful employment. Sinaman and Rose audition for a new TVNZ  Mike King sitcom. Pepper dates a comedian who doesn’t turn out to be very funny. John becomes a ‘City Ambassador’. Frank buys a pair of pre loved ‘Calvin Klein’ jeans that are a size to small but immediately enhances his prospects with the ladies twofold.

Sinaman and Rose get hissy when they lose out on a part in the sitcom to Candy. Dean’s new betting system dismissed by Frank and John as crazy makes them eat their words. John loses his ‘City Ambassador’ job. ( it was a random drug test after an obnoxious American tourist complained he seemed a bit hazy about the city attractions, who was to know Christchurch was famous for it’s boy racers AND churches!)

All the characters pile into Dean’s cab for a road trip to watch Beat Dreams have his first start at a small country track.( through a series of mishaps they arrived at the betting window just a minute before the race only to find out Beat Dreams was scratched, talk about anti climatic )

SERIES 2 ( what the hell was I ever thinking, I blame the drugs! )

Trainer Slim Chance reports Beat Dreams beat his star hurdler by 5 lengths in a workout and could be a champion hurdler and a plan is hatched. Dean’s betting system is finally dismissed as crazy. Sinaman auditions for a starring role in a poor man’s Viagra add. Frank gets kicked out of a woman’s book shop for being male. Pepper gets a date with a former All Black hooker. ( turned out he only played one test against Canada )

Beat Dreams is transferred to beat Kiwi trainer Wayne Walters in Victoria Australia to be given a few cold runs on the flat. Dean gets John to make up a profile for him on ‘NZ Dating’ site and he is swamped with offers much to John’s chagrin. Sinaman scores poor man Viagra role and a star is born.

Wet Pussy flies into town and turns out to be a real air hostess much to John’s surprise though not half as surprised as she is to find out he isn’t much of an actor. Sinaman’s ‘Dog Bones’ add hits the screen and she gets hit on by a score of old horndogs. Dean gives a ride to a TVNZ executive’s trophy wife. ( well helloooooo Karen, hubba hubba, boing! )

The bar scores an old Indiana Jones pinball machine and there is fierce competition to be crowned after hours champion which is won by an outsider, Canadian comic Craig Campbell eh. ‘Dog Bones’ are taken off the market after they are found to also have a very powerful laxative effect.

Pepper’s dreams cum true when Daryl Hall walks in the bar and does the meanest version ever of ‘Maneater’ for her. ( I hate those bastard Conchords for stealing my idea to use Daryl Hall in a Kiwi comedy.) Be sure to check out Daryl Hall’s website and watch his internet show ‘Live From Daryl’s House’, it has funny stories, great characters, and fantastic live music, this is way better than crappy tv! Thank you Al Gore, you rock!
All the characters arrive in Australia to watch Beat Dreams first hurdle start in Seymour Victoria. Watch out bookies the sting is on and every beat Kiwi entertainer living in Australia is going to get wind of it but mums the word. There’s also betting on the NZ TAB so most of the other characters in the show end up at the bar to watch the race with their last dollars on the nose.
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